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DougK

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DougK last won the day on October 19 2018

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About DougK

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  • Location
    Washington State
  • Gender
    Male
  • Experience
    Regular
  • Role
    Spanker

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  1. Or, rather than a clueless newbie posting his own phone number, it's quite possible that he's posting somebody else's number, hoping to harass that person. In any event, I hope nobody calls/texts.
  2. Actually, I've been skydiving a couple of times, many years ago, and quit because it was too boring--especially given its expense. Not nearly enough bang for the buck, so to speak--I could do way better skiing, for example. Never ever have I been in Africa.
  3. I think I'm most aligned with Kce89 on this one. Just because something is against the law doesn't, IMO, necessarily make it one of the issues that a mentor and mentee agree to work on. As an extreme example, even in states that have legalized recreational marijuana, it's still against federal law to possess it--yet I think it would be crazy for a mentor to unilaterally impose a "no MJ" rule. Even in states that haven't legalized, I don't think it's necessarily any business of the mentor whether a mentee chooses to occasionally partake and has no interest in changing that habit. Sure, the mentor can discuss this, can point out reasons why it's a bad idea, what the risks are, etc., but it's ultimately up to the mentee as to whether that's something to work on and should be a rule. In some cases, a mentee will choose to accept a rule that a mentor proposes, even if the mentee doesn't agree with it, simply because the mentee trusts the mentor's judgment that the rule is important. But it's still crucial, IMO, for the mentee to buy into the rule. If the mentee strongly disagrees with a rule, and the mentor strongly thinks it's necessary, there probably isn't a good fit between the two.
  4. I have had two mentor/discipline situations that I think worked really well (with me as the er). In the first case, the primary issue we worked on was her carelessness--leaving things out, forgetting things, etc., especially when there were potential safety risks resulting from the carelessness. Over a couple of years, the discipline helped to really reduce the number of instances, and she was able to move on with her life without needing to keep up the disciplinary arrangement. In the second case, she had a big problem with how she reacted to disagreements with her SO, and her reactions made the situation far worse than it was. Again, our disciplinary arrangement worked really well to get her to change these behaviors, and her relationship ended up far better because of it. I had to end that arrangement after about a year because of issues in my own life, but she had already gotten a lot of benefit, and I believe was able to keep up the improved behavior afterwards. I had a far less successful situation where I tried to help a woman with significant weight loss. There, however, the arrangement didn't seem to be doing anything to help; I think she just wasn't in a position where she was willing to put in the work, and spankings weren't enough to motivate her further. I ended that arrangment relatively quickly. In both of the successful cases, I think it was a combination of spanking and guidance. Although we never used the term "mentor," both situations involved a lot of discussions and check-ins, particularly in the early stages, and I think those check-ins did a lot to help them make the changes they wanted to make.
  5. I've seen this argument made a number of times over the years. In fact, it's my understanding that in the old gay leather community, one was not allowed to top before first spending some time as a bottom. But I'm not convinced that I actually buy the logic. Admittedly, I'm biased as an ER who has never been spanked. Nonetheless, the one thing that I've learned over the years that I'm absolutely certain of is that everybody is different. Different EEs have different pain tolerances, different emotional triggers, different moods, different reactions to implements, etc. For example, for one EE the cane may be beyond the pale in severity, but a wood paddle is fine; yet another EE can't abide a paddle, but "enjoys" a caning--and each can't believe what the other is capable of taking. Or one may find nudity and exposure to be humbling and embarrassing and a valuable part of discipline, while another finds it to be degrading and humiliating and counterproductive. And on and on, regarding just about every aspect of spanking: corner time, counting, clothing levels, implements, language, severity, duration, speed, warmup, etc. Given that, does having one's own experience being spanked really help understand another's experience? Or does it instead cause one to improperly project one's own feelings onto the other? E.g., "knowing" that a paddle doesn't hurt more than a belt from personal experience could lead an ER to disbelieve or at least discount an EE's "overreaction" to that paddle. I just don't know on this one. I can see the arguments on both sides.
  6. First, I'm so sorry your previous experience with discipline was so negative. And let's not mince words, you didn't just have a bad experience--you were the victim of a criminal assault, pure and simple. You *always* get to specify your limits, and it's not up to the ER to decide that you can't have a safeword. I understand why you chose not to report it, and that may well have been your best option to heal yourself. I just wish there were some way to make the asshole ER face consequences without hurting yourself further; it gripes me that he got away scot free. That said, please don't let your previous experience deter you from seeking out a mentor/disciplinarian now. There are plenty of good ones out there, and you can definitely find one that matches your needs. Just take your time and get to know the person before jumping over their knee. Spankbadgirl is right on; the key is to talk lots and lots and then some more. If a potential mentor/disciplinarian isn't willing to do that, that's a huge red flag in my opinion, indicating that they're more interested in just spanking you than in trying to help you modify behaviors. You absolutely get to decide what issues you want to work on, and not just accept whatever rules an ER wants to impose. A good mentor will work with you, helping you to explore what behaviors you should change, and developing a plan to make that change possible. But the key is working *with* you, not imposing rules from on high. Maybe in the course of those discussions he will discover and point out behaviors that you haven't considered to be an issue, but it's still up to you to decide whether or not you agree with his assessment, both as to whether the behavior is even a problem in the first place, or how to prioritize it. I'll you the example you mentioned above: cursing. Depending on your situation, it may not be an issue at all for you. But maybe discussions with a mentor would show that your use of language actually was hindering you on other issues, such as causing friction at work or with family. In that case, maybe you would eventually come to decide that you needed to work on cursing after all. So maybe you would end up making it part of your disciplinary arrangement--or, alternatively, you might decide that it was a low priority, and you should reserve discipline for higher priority issues. (Please note that I'm just using cursing as an example. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with cursing, and have been known to use colorful language a lot, especially when I was younger.) My only point here is that a good mentoring situation will involve you and your mentor working together to figure out what behaviors to address, and how to do it. So good luck in your search. And I'll again echo Spankbadgirl: if something feels wrong, just walk away. In order for discipline to work, there needs to be a lot of trust between EE and ER, not doubts. Take your time and find somebody who meshes with you.
  7. Please take another look at your original post: " I say we take everybodys PM privileges away until they can learn how to use a chatroom properly again. I think its utterly ridiculous that we can have upwards of 20 or 30 people in chat yet nobody is saying a word." That's a huge judgmental statement, in which you accuse people of not using a chatroom "properly"--based on your own concept of "proper." You then go on to say "I would say a large percentage of those who ultimately get banned are from this group of non-contributors," which is again a very judgmental statement about non-contributors, and unsupported by facts. Maybe it's true; maybe it isn't--I have no idea. But shygurl thinks just the opposite, that most banned are those from open chat. It seems to me that only the moderators would know for sure. Overall, your entire post is judgmental, devaluing people who use chat only for PM. The only way to not see that as judgmental is if one accepts without questioning your view that PM-only is bad. Personally, I have no horse in this race--I don't use chat, either open or PM. But I am concerned that people, particularly newbies, will be put off by this attitude, and not find the support and community they are looking for.
  8. Heavier implements aren't the answer, imo, nor is spanking itself. If she doesn't want to change this behavior, spanking isn't going to make her. I think spanking can be a great aid in behavior modification, but it's only an aid. The ee needs to buy into the behavior change. Ultimately, only the ee can make the change; spanking is just an aid/reminder/incentive to work on it. This is especially true in a non-relationship setting, where the er's time with the ee is limited. Maybe, just maybe, in a full time relationship an er can cause an ee to change behavior by constant oversight and reinforcement, but I'm betting that even there the only real change will come after the ee decides that if it's that important to the er, it should be important to the ee as well, and desires to make the change in order to please the er. I just don't think that fear/pain by itself is going to be enough of a motivator to change deep-seated behavior.
  9. DougK

    How many States?

    Ginger easily beats me with speed, but one of the advantages of age is various totals slowly creep up. One of the disadvantages is that the memory goes. So I think I'm at 48, but it's possible that it's all 50, or maybe as few as 46. (Plus DC, PR, and USVI.)
  10. It's of course entirely your prerogative to set whatever conditions you want, but I'm not sure I buy the logic. The ee wants/needs the spanking, but you also want/need to provide it. At least I assume that's the case, since you've been actively looking on here for ee's. It's not just altruistic on your part. Nor do I think financial payment is inherently part of the punishment, or you would require your ee's who can host to make equivalent payments (either to you, or a charity, or whatever), and I doubt you do that. I think what you're really saying is that you're interested in spanking, but not interested enough to invest much money in it. Which is entirely understandable, and applies to many of us, but can equally apply to ee's. I just don't believe ee's inherently have more financial responsibility than er's. Instead, it all depends on individual circumstances, desires, and financial capabilities of the two people.
  11. I'm curious how you reach that position. If neither of you can host, I would think that you would share responsibility for a hotel room (all other things being equal). Why should it be just the ee's responsibility to provide a location?
  12. I think it all depends on the situation, with many factors coming in to play. It's much like dating in general, where there are no fast and hard rules. Off the top of my head, I'd say the biggest ones are who's pushing to meet, the reasons for the meeting (disciplinary vs. fun), the relative financial positions of the parties, and ability to ameliorate costs (e.g., hosting vs. getting hotel). I don't think it much matters who's the ee and who's the er. It's unfortunate that travel and accommodations can easily make this very expensive.
  13. I would never say that one should trust somebody just because they're labelled professional. But by the same token, I wouldn't say to distrust either. Whether professional or not, one needs to *always* do one's homework--talk to the person, get a feel for them, find out experiences, get references if possible, find out what's being offered, and what they want in return, what the ground rules are, etc. Professionals *might* have advantages--possibly more experience, less emotional baggage, less pressure for the spankee to give anything in return other than dollars, better availability, less judgment about looks/personality, etc. Maybe somebody doing it for free can provide all of that as well, but maybe not. And it's especially difficult for somebody wanting a female spanker. There just aren't all that many woman looking for NSA nonsexual spankees, at least that I've ever heard of. I've heard of plenty of *men* like dmirk (and sometimes myself) trying to find nonsexual spanking arrangements outside of their marriage, but I don't think I've ever run into a woman looking to fulfill her spanking needs (as an er) outside of her marriage. Pros might be the only viable option. As for whether the pro enjoys spanking or not, why should that matter? Do you also distrust professional ballplayers who talk about how much they love playing baseball? Again, this doesn't mean one should blindly trust people setting up shop as pros. But I don't think one should blindly distrust them either. As with everything, one needs to evaluate the quality of the service and decide whether it's worth the cost to them. Personally, I would never hire a professional designer to tell me how to decorate a room (another profession with no required training/certification); my wife, on the other hand, absolutely relies on their services.
  14. I'm not sure why you say they are charlatans. They may be good or bad at what they do, but few of them (at least as far as I know) make extravagant claims, or really any claims other than they have experience spanking. I think you're getting hung up on the word "professional," which has multiple meanings. On the one hand, there are various types of professionals where specialized training and certification is required (e.g., doctors, lawyers). But the other meaning of "professional" is just to distinguish from "amateur," with the primary distinction being whether the person gets paid for doing the activity--and it has nothing to do with training or certification. So, for example, I may choose to use a professional painter for my house, but the reality is that those "professionals" are likely just college students with a summer job, with minimal training and just expertise picked up on the job. I certainly wouldn't consider them charlatans for saying they're professional painters, however. When viewed like this, professional spankers/disciplinarians just use that term so it's clear that payment is a required part of the arrangement, and that one shouldn't expect any kind of emotional or personal relationship. Just as with unpaid spankers, some pros are excellent at what they do, and others are awful, and some fit better than others with what a spankee is seeking. Just because you don't want what they're offering doesn't mean that others don't. For some people, professional disciplinarians best meet their needs, or are the only opportunity they can find. PS As full disclosure, I have never used the services of a professional disciplinarian. But once, decades ago, I did visit a professional spankee to give my very first adult spanking.
  15. To me, I use "discipline" or "disciplinary" as a broad category, distinguished from "fun" spankings. Within the fun category, I include erotic, play, parties, stress relief, and other similar types. The discipline category includes anything that is more serious in nature, and intended to modify or reinforce behavior, with the two big types for me being maintenance spankings and punishment spankings. I guess for others something like an "attitude adjustment" or a reminder/warning spanking would fit there as well. So for me, I consider punishment to be a subset of discipline.
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