DougK

I didn't know either, but I'm not nearly as enthusiastic about the pink theme as you are--the pink is too light/bright for my taste. God, I wonder if this means all those pink/blue gender stereotypes are right... 😄

I strongly disagree. I've thought about spanking as far back as I can remember, and played spanking games as a child. Always as the spanker. So I'm hard wired that way. That's not to say that I didn't also have a strong belief that I shouldn't hurt people I care about. Reconciling those two made adolescence and my 20s pretty miserable, with me spending a lot of time thinking I was just plain fucked up and sick. But once I finally realized that there were women who wanted/needed to be spanked as much as I wanted/needed to spank, there was no longer a conflict between the two, because I was then helping the person I cared about, rather than hurting her--even though physical pain was part of the process. But the ee's consent remains paramount to me. More accurately, not just consent, but embrace and searching for it. I still would never dream of asking a woman if I could spank her unless I already knew that she was interested in spanking; I don't want to allow any possibility of coercion, even unintended coercion. No vanilla dating for me.

There's no one answer here; as with everything spanking related, it all depends on the people involved. That said, my default approach is to not give a warm up for punishment spankings. A firm spanking from the beginning is more "real" in my view and the view of at least some of my spankees. It is true that without a warmup the spanking is likely to be shorter, but it wouldn't say it is less intense--quite the opposite, in fact. That intensity just comes very quickly, and can be achieved with less severe implements. Most of my punishment spankings have been given just with my hand, even for ee's that take paddlings under other circumstances. As far as I'm concerned, one shouldn't evaluate a punishment spanking based on length, force, or anything like that; instead, it's whether the spanking serves makes the ee regret misbehavior and whether the spanking is an effective deterrent to future misbehavior. I've found that the lack of warmup can serve both those purposes well; it's something the ee very much doesn't look forward to. But, of course, it all depends on the ee, and what best resonates with her (or him).

I think there are two different situations here. One is whether somebody has declined to get involved with somebody else. That's what most people seem to be answering. I would think almost everybody has declined at least once, at least I hope so. That's the whole point of exploring compatibility with a new potential ee, whether it's compatibility for a single scene or a lifetime. Of course there will be times when that compatibility isn't present. Just as I won't sleep with just anybody, I won't spank just anybody, and I assume everybody else is in the same boat. The second situation is far more interesting, and that's whether an er has declined to spank in an ongoing relationship/arrangement, i.e., one where that er normally spanks, but declines to do so in a particular instance. I think I've had instances like this, but they've been rare, and none jump to mind in particular. In a healthy relationship, I assume both partners generally try to meet each other's needs/desires, and so if an ee wants a spanking, the er is likely to oblige. I suspect there have been times when I've just been too tired, but nothing springs to mind, probably because that wouldn't strike me as all that memorable. But I suspect that still isn't what the question is getting at. Instead, it's whether an er has declined to spank an ee because the er thinks the spanking would be counterproductive or harmful or otherwise inappropriate. Am123 brings up an example of this. I don't think I've ever gone there, but there have been at least a couple of times where I delved deeper to figure out why the ee was seeking the spanking in the context of her own personal issues, and satisfying myself that she wouldn't come to regret it.

Enough already, Spankmered57! This is a discussion forum, not a picture forum. There's the gallery for that. I don't need to see a slew of pictures every time you decide to write three lines of text. And even if I did want pictures, I wouldn't want to see the same pictures over and over. Please keep your participation in the discussion forums to actual discussion. No, I'm not a moderator, and no, I don't claim to have any power to enforce this request. But it's a matter of simple courtesy to the other members trying to have a discussion. I don't normally complain about people's posts, even when they're repetitive and in the wrong forum. But yours are just over the top. Please have some consideration for the rest of us.

Does anybody have experience with Alt.com? While Spanknet seems to be a good site for the UK, I'm drawing a blank when looking around for a spanking personals site in the US. Alt.com is, of course, far broader than spanking, but is at least a dating site. But I have no idea whether it's any good, and worth time and money to join. As far as I can tell, a free membership is essentially worthless. Before I pony up dollars, it would be great to hear about others' experiences with it. And if anybody knows of a better personals site in the US for spanking, please do let us all know. Last time I was looking around for a relationship was pre-Internet, and the best way to make spanking connections (or at least the best way I knew about) was through personals at Shadow Lane--printed personals, on an irregular and infrequent schedule. Times have changed...

Maybe it would help if you didn't view them as "punishment," but instead look at them just creating structures to help you. Because I think that's what you're looking for--not punishment for your previous actions, which has already been handled by the spankings you received. As you said, you now have a clean slate. These steps are looking forward, not backward, and are designed to help you keep the mindset you want. Think of it as similar to reciting a mantra or affirmation, not as punishment but as a tool to focus your mind the way you want it to be.

It all depends on the situation. In a disciplinary situation, masturbation and sexual pleasure would totally undercut the value of the discipline, so I would not allow it. Sure, the ee might get aroused anyway by the spanking--some reactions are natural and involuntary--but acting on it would be out of line. In an erotic setting, however, it can be totally different. It's not something I've done regularly, but I've enjoyed incorporating it on occasion. Practically speaking, some positions (such as OTK over a chair) don't really allow for manual stimulation, other than what can be obtained from squirming. But other positions can work, and stimulation via a vibrator can happen in even more difficult positions. As the er, I would take it amiss if the ee just started stimulation on her own accord, but it can be quite fun to incorporate asking for permission, or even requiring the ee to masturbate (if this is something she enjoys). One can even allow the ee to control the spanking, in a sense, by letting her know that the spanking isn't going to stop until she comes. There are all kinds of variations that can work with erotic play...

For me, it's such a non-negotiable condition that it keeps me from considering vanilla dating. I'm only interested in a woman who wants/needs to be spanked as much as I want/need to spank her. I don't want to persuade/coerce a woman into taking a spanking. If I were an ee, I think it would be more reasonable to try converting a vanilla--after all, *giving* a spanking doesn't require as much sacrifice on the part of the vanilla. But, at least to me, it goes beyond the pale to ask a woman to accept the pain of a good spanking, which would be a considerable sacrifice, just because it's something I want.

I'm currently searching for a new partner, preferably long-term, so there's nobody I would be seeing right now anyway. I'm trying to find the silver lining in the covid cloud, and for me it's this: covid will force me to take things slowly, and allow me to get to know somebody well before we ever meet in person, certainly before I take her over my knee. That's my preferred approach anyway, but covid will ensure that I stick to it, and don't let myself get caught up in the thrill of meeting somebody new.

If it's important to *you*, that's all that matters. I think you'll find that most er's will agree to work with you on something that matters to you, even if it doesn't matter to you. I certainly would. For example, I personally couldn't care less about whether the bed is made, or whether somebody swears. I know, however, that some women care a lot about those things, and would be willing to work on a disciplinary arrangement to address them. As a concrete example, at one time I dealt with a woman who had a rule that she couldn't view pornography, even though that's not something I care about. I (and I assume other er's) would probably want to have a detailed discussion about the issue, and *why* it's important to you. Both to make sure that you do really care about it enough to warrant setting up a disciplinary arrangement, and to help with scolding/lecturing when a punishment is earned. But about the only thing I'd draw a line at is if I thought the behavior you wanted to reinforce was unhealthy. For example, I wouldn't help you work on dieting or weight loss if I thought you were already underweight, and I'd be enabling an eating disorder. Beyond that, though, it wouldn't matter if I personally thought the issue was insignificant or silly, as long as you thought it mattered.

I think it depends on the nature of the relationship between er and ee. There are some er's willing to spank for any reason or none, and it wouldn't matter if you told the reason or not--at most they'd be interested in knowing the severity of the spanking. But what you'll get from that spanker is essentially mechanical--he can provide the sore bottom, but it will be to you to process that and turn it into absolution, deterrence, incentive, etc. And you probably won't get much of an emotional connection with the er. This isn't much different than going to a pro domme, except that, as a female ee, you can almost certainly find an er willing and eager to do it for free. For other er's, especially those who want an ongoing relationship of some sort, I think it's pretty important to let them know the reason. First off, the spanking itself is likely to be more effective if it's accompanied by scolding or lecturing, helping you to directly tie the spanking to the misdeed. And confessing the misdeed can itself be seen as part of the punishment, just like some er's require the ee to look at them when they're being scolded, acknowledge the reason, ask for the spanking, etc. But equally important, IMO, is the fact that a good er, can help you work through the reasons behind the act, and help you develop techniques to prevent a recurrence. That's certainly the case with a mentorship situation, or with a personal intimate relationship. For many ee's, those additional trappings are what make the actual physical spanking effective. For that matter, I think you need to explore your own feelings about what you're hoping to get out of the punishment spanking. While you're feeling shame or guilt now, do you think you'll still feel the same shame/guilt after you've been punished? If so, what's the point of the punishment, and will it need to be repeated until you can get rid of that shame/guilt? If you think the spanking will get rid of that shame/guilt, then does that mean you'd be willing to talk about the reason after the fact, so you might as well do so up front? Are you afraid that the er will be disgusted with you and not want to have anything to do with you if he knows the issue? Will taking a punishment spanking change this, or will it instead feel like one more layer of deception, essentially getting a spanking under false pretenses? As you can probably guess, I fall on the side of thinking that it will be a better experience all around if you tell the er the reason for the spanking. But that's my personal bias, and if you're convinced you will get value from a spanking without the er knowing the reason, then you should feel free to try that instead. I don't doubt that you can find an er willing to accommodate your desire for secrecy. Heck, even though I'm in favor of openness, I can envision a situation where I'd be convinced it made sense to go ahead and deliver a spanking even though I was in the dark about the reason. In the past, when I was more desperate just to give a spanking, it would have taken almost no convincing; nowadays it would probably take quite a bit of convincing, but I wouldn't categorically rule it out.

This approach can sound appealing, especially to those who aren't currently getting their spanking needs met. I fear, however, that its use in an actual relationship can be quite devastating, and create an abusive relationship. SassyLittle illustrates this perfectly, with the marriage she accurately describes as abusive--her husband would act poorly, and then punish her, causing rightful resentment. And, of course, it didn't do anything to stop him acting poorly; instead, it may well have encouraged it. Just because one is an ee doesn't mean that person has no rights and feelings, and having the er spank when he screws up just runs roughshod over the ee's reasonable concerns and upset. In essence, the ee just becomes a punching bag, and that's not healthy for either of them. Maybe that works for some people, but I wonder how many, and for how long. Maybe I'm wrong, but I see SassyLittle's other post as describing a somewhat different situation--one where there is conflict, but it's not clear which one (or both, or neither) is in the wrong. The dynamics there are somewhat different, and many DD relationships do resolve those situations by letting the er have the final word, which may result in a spanking for the ee. Ee's may agree to this, deciding that it's better to bring an end to conflict than to get one's way, especially for more minor matters, and where there is no clear right or wrong. But SassyLittle also properly warns that this can cause problems if it's frequent, and just lead to resentment on the ee's part. In any event, I think there needs to be a good discussion between the two, to make sure the er fully understands the ee's concerns, and takes her feelings into account when making his final decision. And one would imagine that in many cases there would be no consequences for either party, but just a resolution about future instances of that behavior. Either "I didn't realize that behavior bothered you, so I won't do it again" or "I have good reasons for this behavior, and you shouldn't complain about it in the future" (hopefully, with the ee also now recognizing and accepting those reasons). Finally, Megthe's example is a kinda unusual situation, where the er doesn't want to give a spanking, and doing so might actually cause him more distress than the ee. That works in their circumstances because he's not a natural er, and maybe also because they're still relatively new to their spanking arrangements. I'll be curious to see whether they retain that method over the long term. I don't know how many other couples that approach would work for, but more power to them if it keeps working! Every couple needs to come up with their own solutions.

This is one of the age-old questions of DD relationships. Each relationship comes up with their own answer, but none of the ones I've seen are all that satisfying (including what we used when my marriage was DD). There are a couple of common elements, though, which are key to any solution. First, the top/er/dom/HOH must hold himself (or herself) to a high standard of conduct. As others have said, this doesn't mean following the exact same rules as the ee, but it does mean living with a high degree of integrity and avoiding harmful behaviors. In other words, make a real effort to minimize the number of times this situation comes up. I don't think any DD relationship can survive if the er is constantly screwing up or acting inappropriately, losing the respect of the ee. Second, the er must apologize in instances of wrongdoing. Again, I think it's important to take responsibility, and I think that keeps the respect of the ee. Beyond that, I've seen all of the following discussed: The er gets a spanking, either from the ee or another. For many people (myself included), this is a nonstarter, both with er's refusing to be spanked, and with the ee losing respect for their er. But for others it seems to work, either as a rare instance, or having a mutual DD relationship (e.g., the Spencer plan). Giving the ee a "get out of spanking" card or the equivalent. I'm not wild about this, because it kinda seems like the "two wrongs make a right" solution. We should be encouraging good behavior on the part of both, rather than allowing one's bad behavior because the other behaved badly. Have no consequences beyond the apology. This is probably especially common in relationships that tend more towards the D/S side, where the rules are unilaterally set by the er. In such a case, one can argue that the er is, in fact, above the law. But even in other relationships, this may be used, sometimes with the thought that the er's remorse and guilt is punishment enough. I've even seen ee's say that it's harder on the er with wrongdoing; while the ee gets to move past it with a spanking, the er has to suffer longer from guilt. This is more or less what we did in my marriage, but I do wonder if it wasn't a factor in corroding my wife's interest in DD/DS. Have the er contribute to a tip jar, or buy something nice for the ee, etc. This might work if the er and ee have separate finances, but has always seemed more problematic to me for couples with mixed finances, since the "penalty" is effectively coming out of both of their pockets. Have the er do extra chores (especially something the ee would normally do), or do something unusually nice for the ee (e.g., massage, watching a movie together that the er normally wouldn't agree to). This is a solution that doesn't seem on its face to have many drawbacks, unless one believes that the concept of *any* consequences undermines the er's authority. In hindsight, I wish that we had formally incorporated this into our marriage, although I think I probably effectively did this implicity to deal with my guilt on at least some occasions.

OMG, I feel like an idiot. How did I miss that? Of course you're right.