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cat627

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cat627 last won the day on August 27 2021

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  • Age
    38
  • Location
    Utah
  • Gender
    Female
  • Experience
    Regular
  • Role
    Spankee
  • Sexual Orientation
    Straight

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  1. I've had my spanking "obsession" since 6 years old. I had come from a dysfunctional family, with parents who didn't really "parent" ... Being a bit of a "goodie goodie" , with a strong sense of self-awareness, as well as a desire to improve myself, not to mention my people pleasing nature that wanted others to be proud of me... I did everything I could to teach myself right from wrong. (I even sought out and read children's self-help books) Totally admitting daddy issues here, as where others had imaginary friends, I had an imaginary father figure. Anyways, I can pinpoint a specific event that set off my need for spanking. It was one of those really old TV shows, which depicted a child getting a spanking from their father "for their own good" and I wanted and craved that desperately. I associated spanking with love, and desperately craved that feeling of someone caring enough about me to spank me, in order to teach me to be good and do what is right. Since then, I've always craved spankings, they make me feel secure and reassured enough to move forward, I've equated them with care and affection, and I thrive when they are in place. ..... Having said that, part of me wonders if it may have been in me even earlier, and I wonder sometimes if it was that event at 6 years old, or maybe I was "born with it" .... There was a moment when I was 4 years old, my mom had made a passive comment along the lines of "what am I going to do with you?" and my 4 year old self just casually said "You could always spank me~" I distinctly remember being chased around the room at that one, and running to my great-grandmother who took me in her arms and told my mom to leave me alone =p So there is a slight possibility I had it in me before then~
  2. May I say I have the utmost respect for you brigitta for being so open about your experiences? And I need to thank you as well... Sometimes it helps so much when others are able to share, because you never know who else might be going through something similar, and may not be brave enough to talk about it, and just knowing that one isn't alone can be such a breath of fresh air.... I always have great appreciation and respect for those such as yourself who will come forth with such things! I actually need to send you a sincere thanks, because what you spoke on reminds me of my very first spanking experiences in my marriage before I ever found this community... It's a part of my spanking journey I am not proud of, and there are very few who I open up to in detail about what had transpired. Why? Because I never felt one could actually understand... So most of the time, I've always remained very vague, I'd speak on "rabbit holes" and how "things went wrong".... and then would go from there. You may be one of only a couple of people I have ever heard talk about their experiences of "things going wrong" and I am truly grateful for you having shared it This really is something I feel actually should be talked about more, and you have definitely shown more courage than I myself have... and I'd like to take a moment to try to muster up the courage to do the same... In my case, When I married my first husband at 21, we were both a bit naive and clueless. He was vanilla, I had craved spanking almost my entire life. I wanted it, I just didn't know how to go about getting it, I didn't even have a way to explain it. I began my search, trying to find something about spanking as an adult... And I wound up on some of the more extreme hardcore BDSM sites.... My very first search for adult spanking, and having that in relationships, led me immediately to the extreme "Master/slave" type of dynamic, where spanking wasn't just spanking, it was beating.... No safe words, none of that. While it terrified me at first, when I reached out to people on the forums I had joined, I was told that because I was a "submissive" I would never be truly truly satisfied unless I took it to a "slave" like level, it was the highest form of submissiveness which I was told would be the only thing to satisfy me. That regular "spanking" would never be enough for me..... All I wanted was to have the love and structure and discipline I always craved, in my relationship, to be spanked by my partner... What I got, was multiple people on this forum recommending this master/slave "handbook" with clear step-by-step instructions, and was told that's what I needed. I showed it to my very vanilla husband, who seemed concerned, but it was something I wanted, so why not try it? Neither one of us knew what we were doing, why not try out this handbook? There was a set list of implements and had things written down to the exact number of strikes.... We could trust that, right? There were instructions for him as well, mentions of not stopping before the count was over, no matter how much I protested. Well... What happened was, the pain was beyond what I had ever anticipated, my realization that I was trapped, wondering what on earth I had done and gotten myself into... This was when my PTSD surfaced for the very first time. All the trauma that had stayed quietly tucked away, locked up, suddenly surfaced and reared it's ugly head, My first husband who hadn't learned about safety, struck an area that ended up causing a shooting pain running up and down my leg... it was *not* intentional, it was an honest mistake, where he just got the wrong angle at the wrong spot, at a moment where I had wriggled and moved in an odd way out of panic with this implement he was not used to using... I think I screamed . While I was in a total panic, terrified out of my mind... On his side, he was feeling equally sick as well.... He hated what he was doing, he resented me for asking it of him, and when that incident happened.... He dropped the implement , and he himself felt like he was going to be sick.... It was a very very dark place for both of us, that neither of us felt we could ever recover from. From his side, I "made him feel in a way that he never wanted to feel in his life" and there was no taking back that feeling or what happened when he saw he caused me pain, and the fact he never wanted to do it to begin with, and only did it for my sake... And then my own fragile mental state, wondering what happened, how everything went so wrong so quickly. This was back in 2006, we were married in 2005. Our relationship was just about ruined.... It was then that I actually discovered this particular forum, under another username.... Right around 2007 or so.... This forum provided me with my very first example of "safe" spanking, and "domestic discipline" actual kind, genuine, loving discipline... Far away from the dark corners of the BDSM world.. I met my very first "Mentor" here, who was like a father to me, I had rules and structure, he provided me with safe and sane discipline, the kindest and most gentle man I've ever met, yet firm as well. Where I thought my relationship may never be repaired with my husband.... It was only because of the 'er that I met here, who he had given me permission to work with... that he could actually see spanking as having a positive effect, and that it could be done safely ... However, even though he had been willing to try DD with me in between disciplinarians over the years.... Neither of us ever did forget that "rabbit hole" that we had dived down headfirst into... And the truth of the matter is, even if he had been able to provide multiple spankings afterward, even intense ones upon seeing how effective spankings from other disciplinarians were.... I don't know that I could imagine how it must have felt for him in that moment so many years ago... We were both young and clueless at the time, but yeah, stuff like that can mess a person up. and because I was the non-vanilla one, I was the 'ee, and it really was me that wanted to seek all of this stuff out, I actually feel the most responsible. That's been a hard thing to carry for me. Especially knowing all that I do now after so many years.
  3. I think I have a lot to reflect on with all the thoughts and ideas shared here and probably have to give the question more consideration...
  4. I'm sorry if I misunderstood your comments, I was only attempting to clarify to see if I understood, I apologize...
  5. So if I understand correctly, your thought's on keeping things "professional" mostly has to do mostly with concerns of confidentiality, in the event things go wrong? You mentioned staying out of the drama of people's lives... I'm wondering if you mean staying out as in being "involved" for example in the case of a close friendship where you might get caught up in the middle of things, or if it's "hearing" about the drama from an 'ee confiding in you? In which case, wouldn't that be relevant to the problems the 'ee may be struggling with which could be useful to know? I had a professor in school who had noticed I started struggling and couldn't for the life of him figure out what was going on, as he knew I was someone who typically poured herself into her studies... He picked up something was wrong, and I finally opened up about some things that were going on at home, and while I knew that few professors get involved in their student's personal lives, I do remember him mentioning that it helps for him to know those things, to understand what is going on as opposed to just thinking I stopped caring, that he could be a bit more understanding and work with me a bit more... Whereas I've had other professors not want to hear it. LOL I had a conversation with my trainer recently where I was worried about boundaries for that particular conversation, and he just rolled his eyes and said "We are way past worrying about the boundary mark!" He certainly would never spank me, and no romantic relationship would ever develop, but he definitely knows about my spanking interest, and practically my whole life story... I can always reach out to him for added support in navigating dating with my spanking interests, and has told me he'd rather me be open about such things with him, and have someone to talk to, than put myself in a bad spot because I tried to handle things on my own, when being a submissive 'ee adds an extra level of vulnerability. However I then recently discovered not all trainers were like that, and some just want you to hush up and do the work and don't want to hear about your day. I got lucky I think in discovering one who I could talk about my interests.... Although you are luckier to have one who was able to spank you! This is where I think things got fuzzy for me, the difference between a personal/professional relationship here between an ee and an er ... If they are non sexual, I saw it as it was me that needed the "help" , the 'er is doing me a favor, I'm the one who needs help. For lack of a better way to put it, the 'er is in a sense providing me with a "service" however much we get along... Whereas I see friendships as "mutually beneficial" as my trainer would put it. With my close friendships, they will often joke about me taking the place of "therapist" As I tend to take on listener/support role with their problems more often than not... Though they will offer support to me as well. That's what my friendships are like, less partying/fun time and chit chat, but more like a mutual exchange of support when times get tough... However with an 'er, it's difficult because they are the ones helping me through discipline, and due to the very nature of the dynamic, I don't ever really have 'ers reaching out to me for support and help. 'ees report to 'ers, not the other way around... it feels a little arrogant for me to think that I can help an 'er in turn... (unless this is my low self-esteem talking? Am I putting 'ers up on a pedestal?) This is where I start seeing it more like a personal trainer, as opposed to close friendships where they feel that they can come to me for help and support too... If my primary role in friendships is "helper" which is what makes the friendships "mutually beneficial", how does that work when it's the 'ee who is the one seeking support?
  6. So this is something I've been wondering for awhile now. When it comes to non-sexual discipline *outside* of a romantic relationship... Where do you feel boundaries are when it comes to communication, getting to know each other or friendship? Do you feel 'ees should approach their 'ers as one would any other professional? For example... Personal trainers, therapists, coaches or teachers have certain boundaries, where they are there to help their "clients" and small friendly exchanges are okay, but actual friendships and personal relationships are out of the question... Or do you feel that there is a difference, where such a dynamic is more personal and casual, where friendships may build outside the realm of discipline? As an 'ee, I've always been curious about the disciplinarians I've worked with, and have found many have been willing to share a few things with me, which I always get excited and happy about when it happens, and hope they share more... Yet even with regular vanilla friendships, I've always been more of a "listener" and am usually afraid to pry, and therefore either wait until they have something to share with me, or I'll try sharing my own stuff, in hopes that they might share in turn.. But I rarely feel confident enough to ask questions out of fear of poking my nose where it doesn't belong... So if I'm this way in vanilla relationships, disciplinary ones only increase these feelings... Also, I'm wondering if perhaps the very nature of the dynamic, the submissive nature of an 'ee toward a more dominant nature of an 'er... The fact that 'ees typically see an 'er to begin with due to their struggles and problems , causing the 'er to see some of the worst of the 'ees behaviors, tend to hinder such a friendship? I know that being an 'ee, I tend to focus much more on my struggles and things I do wrong, as opposed to the positive things in my life, which is something I've had to work on, so I feel that how an 'er comes to know me is much different than how others would see me... Not to mention the respect I feel toward my 'er, often prevents me from being as bubbly or playful as I would some of my other friends... Thoughts?
  7. The question is, would all the 'ers agree that 'ees get a free pass in Vegas 😅 I kind of feel that's when they'd be most needed! I would think this might open a few doors of possibility! Where are all the business minded spanko entrepreneurs? Although I'd think keeping it indoors might be more plausible... Either way, I'll take what I can get! I suppose one could always go to a spanko party/meet ... But there's just something about being able to freely get one in front of a bunch of vanillas... !
  8. While it's true there are very few people I'd actually want to know about my interests, and the last thing I want to do is out myself... Even if I was confident enough to talk about my spanking interests as casually as I talk about the weather... I don't like to use my real name and face on even vanilla public forums. Generic usernames and avatars wherever I go... I don't need people looking me up or knowing my business, and anything that gets posted publicly online can easily be used against you... That stuff is permanent... So if I feel this way with normal vanilla forums about basic stuff like... hiking or something.... I'm definitely not going to start out on a spanking site... But that's just me personally
  9. Okay. I was just recently trying to distract myself by scrolling through social media, and facebook/tik tok videos.... and came across some clips for Heart Attack Grill in Vegas... o.O Next thing I know I'm watching spankings take place, only to find out it's a **thing** there! Why on earth have I not heard of this? Why is it that I've heard about everything else *except* for the spankings! ... I used to just roll my eyes at the place ... Now I need to go... If they would have advertised that in the *first* place, I might have gone long ago! ... I actually have a reason to go to Vegas now. To go to the heart attack grill........ for spankings... Socially acceptable, good natured, out in the open, encouraged spankings. ...... I've been challenging my introverted self to start learning how to leave my comfort zone =p Maybe a spanking would do it? Although... One of the things I seek discipline for is staying on top of my diet and health, so this might be slightly counterproductive for me... (Then again, from what I'm understanding, the spankings come from *not* finishing your meal so...)
  10. Yes! I definitely do get that feeling of "pride" I'm not currently in a relationship at the moment, so at the present, I will have to relate my pride to the marks that I receive with a spanking... I will often say I "wear them like a badge" I will feel genuine remorse at the actions that led to the spanking, humbled and full of regret at the time it occurs, and the spanking itself may be entirely unpleasant and hard to take... But the marks that remain afterward? They are comforting, reassuring, they help me focus... And at the same time... Make me feel a bit proud whenever I look in the mirror... For me the pride comes from my willingness and ability to submit.... A sign of my own personal sincerity and determination.... That I don't take things lightly, and take this dynamic seriously... It's proof that it's not just "play" for me. As someone who's always felt a great deal of insecurity, who is always over-extending herself and never feels "good enough" and with a strong sense of low self esteem.... The marks aren't something I can easily discredit... No one is **forcing** me into this dynamic! I have willingly chosen and consented to submit to discipline, even if it meant extremely painful ones, that leave welts, stripes and bruises.... However much I can discredit myself elsewhere, this is one thing that I can feel good about and take pride in. While I'm currently single, I know that if/when I get married again, DD and spanking are an absolute must and I'd have to make sure of it first... I feel that I would definitely feel the same way as you do in a marriage... For similar reasons... Aside from the reasons above, I would be proud to have a husband who loves and cares for me enough to discipline me, to have a husband I'd trust so much.... I would also be proud of our relationship dynamic in general... to have something in place that works, to know that where in a vanilla relationship, we could be arguing back and forth about chores and spending and other obligations, that we have chosen to work things out through a strong dynamic of extreme trust and respect toward one another, with set rules and standards... And it's the marks and welts that symbolize all of that for me. There are a lot of emotions and feelings that come into play with a spanking for me... but I definitely see a sense of pride as one of them... Which is weird because spankings are extremely humbling as well and bring on a sense of humility.... It seems contradictory, but they are both there
  11. Thank you everyone for your input, it's been a huge help for me! ^_^ Thank you for the thorough response! There are a couple of things you mentioned that I found particularly helpful for me... Trying to emphasize the coach or fatherly/brotherly figure... Starting from that point seems a better way to go about it.... I typically would start from the other end, and mention my interests within a DD/HoH dynamic first... which probably doesn't help things... The other thing that you mentioned that really struck a chord with me... The "This is who you are" part... I'm a people-pleaser who has struggled with codependency in past relationships and a low sense of self-esteem ... While I've gotten so so much better at it, it's sometimes hard to assert myself, and I allow others opinions to influence me... Your words here reminded me of something I was told once, after getting out of a toxic relationship. They told me that the next time I felt like shutting down due to someone elses disapproval, in particular, a relationship... To tell the other person "This thing helps me to be the very best version of myself... If I were to give it up, than I no longer would be able to present my best self, and that wouldn't be good for either of us" I would want to switch over to my partner the very moment we were to enter into a steady relationship... If I were to marry again, I would have to know that DD could be a part of that first, and would go to them, not another disciplinarian. As for disclosing my current activities, it is something I feel is important to me, if I was seriously considering a relationship with someone. Not only because I hate withholding information, and would rather overshare than undershare.... But because while it may not be sexual for me, and I would see nothing wrong with it, I would know that my partner might feel quite differently. They don't need to know every interaction I have ever had with others... But because knowing this could be a concern and even potentially a deal breaker for them, I feel like I need to be open about it... I don't feel I could keep something in if I felt it was something a potential partner would want or need to know...
  12. That's what I'm hoping for, and definitely do express this with potential partners... I think the main area of concern is the point between here and there... It might be more acceptable within a marriage... And while in a steady relationship or marriage it would definitely be my partner that I would be going to for discipline... I think it's trying to explain my working with a disciplinarian while single. I'm in no rush to jump into a relationship, and while I am working on my own personal goals and progress, I benefit greatly from having structure and discipline, it's something I need that helps me... Not to mention I don't want any desperation for such assistance to cloud my judgement. I want to be honest and open about this, but need a way to explain what this actually is. As in the eyes of most vanilla dating prospects, it just looks to them as if I'm having some kind of sexual encounters on the side... For awhile I thought it would be easier to just keep things simple and do without until I found a steady partner but I felt as though it would be giving up something that helped me progress, by caving in to the disapproval of others who had no significant or permanent place in my life yet.
  13. Living in Utah, and being an LDS convert, I have come across some serious obstacles recently when it comes to discussing my spanking interests and needs. When I first discovered the spanko community 15 years ago, I wasn't religious myself, I didn't really have many religious friends, and I wasn't really interacting with religious vanillas... I kind of stuck to the community, or sought out others who had similar interests, and the only vanilla I really had to deal with was the one I was married to. Now, I'm a part of a religious community... As well as being single.... Anyone I date or consider a potential partner, is going to have to know my needs and interests... Utah is a pretty conservative state, and there aren't many spankos around here in general....... Let alone religious spankos....... Or what's more, *single* religious spankos! And if they exist, due to the nature of Mormon culture, they aren't going to be making themselves well known! As a result.... I need to be able to know how to discuss my particular needs and interests regarding spanking and discipline, with vanillas, and within religious guidelines. Now, for me personally, I can 100% separate sexual spankings from non-sexual punishment spankings.... And it is the latter that is what I mainly seek out and crave. I **need** structure and discipline, and for me it can be non-sexual. However after having been on the dating scene for a couple of years now.... Every vanilla that I have opened up to about my interest, has **immediately** thought of pink fuzzy cuff kinky sex play. They are unable to see it as anything *but* sexual! As a result, because this is the first thing that comes to their mind, the result tends to be either a.) They get excited and want to discuss repressed sex fantasies... or b.) They become shocked and appalled that I, as a member of the church am participating in something "sexual" outside of marriage, with these "disciplinarians" In either scenario, I try to emphasize the non-sexual disciplinary factor, and yet it seems like an absolute impossibility in their minds... I'm wondering if it is at all possible, to explain spanking not as a kink or fetish, but as a legitimate form of discipline or therapy, in such a manner that it can become de-sexualized for vanillas? Or is that a pretty tall order? Brevity is not one of my strengths, any attempts I've made, have been poor long winded attempts, that never seemed to make a lick of a difference no matter how many different ways I tried to phrase or explain things. I feel like there has to be a better way to go about this, and am wondering if anyone here has any advice...
  14. While it wasn't intentionally done as a "bedtime spanking" Before I got my PTSD under control, I used to have a hard time sleeping and would have anxiety/panic attacks and become super hyper vigilant... One thing my husband of the time noticed, is that spanking just about always had an immediate calming effect on me... So there were times in the evenings he would notice me being unusually wound up, sometimes acting out, and so he would usually spank me so I could cry it out... It was therapeutic for me, and would usually help me fall immediately asleep afterward. LOL He was a night owl gamer, we were in a studio like apartment, I think spanking me to sleep during these moments also allowed him to catch a bit of undisturbed gaming time as well =p It was a total win/win situation.
  15. Without counting any play or experimenting, with my first husband, or any "rabbit holes" we might have gone through, and just looking back to my first truly real punishment spanking as an adult, real in terms of sincerity and circumstances over intensity ... I would probably want to highlight the first and only punishment spanking I got from my very first disciplinarian in 2008... Yes I had been spanked before, and more intensely, but this one probably felt the most "real" for me... Struggling with PTSD and anxiety, he found out that I had turned to cutting... while it was nothing extreme, and barely noticeable, it was still self-harm. All of his prior punishments were non-spanking related, but on this occasion, I was to receive an actual one... I had never seen him so stern, disappointed, upset and concerned... The moment I showed up at his door, I felt immediate guilt and shame, realizing the seriousness of what I had gotten myself into, and just how much I disappointed him, as he was a man I saw like a father figure or teacher, and I seriously looked up to him, he was the first one to ever take me in hand as an adult, and helped me learn how to function normally... His care for me was absolutely genuine. His wife was home, who was a nurse, and the first thing he did was look over the cut, and called her in to make sure it was okay and bandage it up for me, then sent her out of the room... I was spanked otk, and then with a cane... But I have to say, I was crying my eyes out before the spanking even started! I don't even recall the spanking even hurting (He was a bit frail and had a lot of health problems) But I was crying my eyes out nonetheless, and he seriously had to hug and hold me a great deal afterward as I had apologized profusely... I made up my mind to never cut again, as I never wanted to see that expression of disappointment again, and he helped me work through those urges, and suggested things that I could do instead, fortunately he wasn't scared away by this issue I had.... The small scar had healed, and I never wanted to open it again and I always remember that... I think that was probably the only punishment spanking I had received from him before he passed away, but it certainly was memorable, and probably what I consider the first "real" and genuine punishment spanking that I had... Most of what I had before then was just play and experimenting with my husband who knew I was interested in it... Though we did try DD later on..
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