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Showing content with the highest reputation on 05/11/21 in all areas

  1. @rubyredd- Good topic! Child of Light explained the difference between a disciplinarian and a mentor so clearly and concisely that I may not be adding anything of value here. I'm going to expound a tad more on this just in case it helps clarify things for someone out there. Many folks don't want a mentor. To get a spanking when they need it is enough. Whether for erotic purposes, stress relief, to expunge their mind of guilt for wrongdoing, or just for role-play/funishment, an occasional meet-up with a disciplinarian fits the bill perfectly. Then there are others who want someone to work with them closely, to coach, encourage, and support them on a regular basis. This is where a mentor comes in. The term mentor tends to be thrown around rather casually, but someone who takes their role as mentor seriously often has a background in education, psychology, life coaching, and/or pastoral counseling. Being a mentor means setting high standards for one's own conduct and working hard to model those standards consistently. It means lavishing one's mentee with praise when he's earned it, guiding him in the right direction, rerouting him when he takes a wrong turn, showing him better ways to deal with his personal challenges, building him up when he needs the boost, disciplining him when he crosses an inappropriate line, and even answering the phone at midnight when he's upset and needs to talk to someone. It's caring for an individual like he's a family member and accepting tremendous responsibility for his growth and wellbeing. Back to your original question... The qualities I believe tops should exemplify are honor, trustworthiness, kind-heartedness, caring and compassion. The attribute I cherish most in a spankee or mentee is honesty. I often say, "You can tell me anything, as long as it's honest." Right after that is willingness to submit to instruction and a desire to want to do the right thing.
    3 points
  2. From the Top, I would say clarity of expectations, consistency in administering consequences, and fairness (empathy) are paramount. From the bottom, honesty is the most important component.
    3 points
  3. Why not? It says switches can play which ever side they are feeling. I have been working on several topping appointments. I feel it is valid for me to play as a top occassionally, especially if the ither tops are intentionally commenting but refusing to play to block the bottoms.
    3 points
  4. I hope you don't take offense to my answer as I mean it only by way of trying my best to help. I think you might benefit from some therapy, to process what you are feeling now and to unpack the guilt that you clearly feel related to your role (or lack of role) that night. It seems like you have come to a kind of spanking-related existential crisis point. You have been traumatized by what happened, and it may be negatively affecting more facets of your life than just spanking. Again, absolutely no offense intended. Having worked a long time with victims of PTSD, I mean only to help.
    2 points
  5. I hardly think it is a failure to not know how to navigate the varied world of onlinevspanking - including chat. I have been around all of this (online spankoverse) since 1999 and you saw me asking for guidance in chat last night about RP'ing. We all have more to learn. I have shared my experience where some random guy told other people not to chat with me. I had turned him down several times because he wanted to rush me. A typical Domhole. Then, he asked if I wanted to be "under his protection" - again... no. But, he didn't take my no for an answer and reached out to at least one Top here to threaten him. I am not a true sub, but even a sub should be willing and capable to tell someone yes or no - regarding PM and RP. If not, then they aren't mature enough to be a sub or play online. And how would we know if someone is in a D/s relationship if they don't make it known?
    2 points
  6. I'm lucky: I have a mentor who encourages, praises, challenges! He also tries to make 'just' decisions when the cane is on the cards.... sometimes letting me off with a warning, sometimes correcting me with fewer whacks than anticipated. But he is wise and the occasions when he has unexpectedly challenged me and sometimes caned me when I didn't anticipate it have been very useful. When it happens it is as if he sees right through my defensive shell. My initial self-righteous indignation at being 'undeservedly' striped very quickly melts to absolute appreciation that I was in the wrong and justly deserved a disciplinary/punitive caning. What helps is that in such cases he explains in detail his rationale. It is confronting: it is helpful: but it is painful.
    2 points
  7. @SwitchWithMe- As to this fine line between mentoring someone in ways that betters them and using it as an agenda to spank someone... The fellow I've mentored since April of last year is right here on SN (SpudStateSpankee). If you ask him, I'm pretty certain he will complain that he doesn't get spanked enough, and that he thrives when I'm stricter with him than I am. But I have serious concerns about any one-sided relationship, and I've put considerable effort into keeping our dynamic as healthy and balanced as possible. If you're at all familiar with my philosophy and style, you know that I am not into power trips and that I work hard to turn the tide against that kind of topping. I think your concerns are valid ones. In the wrong hands, topping can easily cross over into abuse. But I'm lost on where you have a problem with mentoring, specifically. Any abuse that could happen in a mentor-mentee dynamic could just as readily happen with a spanking partnership in which the top wasn't as dedicated to their role. I'm also confused by your comment, "It's also hard for me in that my metrics and my mentee's metrics can mix and blend in ways that aren't healthy." If you're uncomfortable with the mentor-mentee thing, then I recommend you don't do it. That viewpoint is respected and perfectly okay. No one would ever pressure you to take part in any dynamic that didn't feel right for you and your spankee(s).
    2 points
  8. Agree with needing correction I need a smarting striped bottom but not wanting one!
    2 points
  9. This is how I, too, define the differentiation between a disciplinarian and a mentor. To me, they are not the same thing. I like how you explained it.
    2 points
  10. Yes! I think the word 'needs' is very important.... especially in my case when I trust my mentor to do what he feels is right for me. Just like a patental relationship: sometimes what I need is not what I want. Occasionally that means the application of stripes. I think most of us subject to genuine punishment/discipline arrangements would agree that sometimes we NEED a smarting bottom while certainly not wanting one!
    2 points
  11. It really depends on the two peoples dynamic. I think of a disciplinarian as a "fill in" or a once-and-awhile obligation; to correct with the other person requests. I see mentor more as a stable coach with defined goals and criteria to meet those goals. But I also see them more as a friend and someone you talk to on a regular bases. Both I see as meeting the EE's needs and not an equal dynamic in say meeting the ER's needs if they have other desires. The EE's goals, and health, is priority, in these dynamics.
    2 points
  12. Hello,we are a married couple that spanks all levels and types of spanking for men and women.From parental discipline to erotic to playful and hard punishment spankings on bare bottom,bu hand,wood paddle,leather,flogger,belt,caning and more.Would entertain wife spanking a lady then the lady spanking her.NO MEN spanking her,again NO MEN spanking her !We have been in spanking scene for over 30 years,have been to spanking convention and many parties and very experienced.We have a St Andrews cross and many toys and paddles. Birthday spanking,punishment,regular discipline sessions or do you need a very hard punishment with restraints and welts or marks ? We are located near IL border in Wisconsin between Janesville and Rockford.
    1 point
  13. Something I’ve been having to think about is how trauma and spanking intersect. And to what extent my personal values make me responsible for negotiating this intersection. I really don’t ascribe to the view that if my spankee and I come up with an agreement, then I can do what I want to them. They agreed after all. That’s consent. Right? Well. No. Not for me. I have been called out as being weak and half a man in this regard. But I really can’t just look at obtaining consent as a license. License to do as I like within that verbal contract. In part this conviction comes from the experience I’ve shared where a friend was injured in a scene. The defense was that consent was honored. She was unconscious, but hey, she didn’t say the safe word. So it was all copacetic. I can’t do that. If that makes me an outsider or a mutant, to some, so be it. I err on the side of humanity, not the rules of a game I make up with another. But it’s more than that. It’s become clear to me that I have spanked (and chatted with) quite a few people who have, in fact, been suffering trauma. In some cases trauma received during in the course of this spanking kink as adults. I others cases trauma from childhood spanking experiences. Sometimes yet other traumas. I am forever shocked by experiences shared with me. It damn breaks my heart. I have to say it does more than break my heart when I see people enduring trauma responses again and again. This isn’t a judgement of the play that people engage in. I like belts, so obviously I am open to hard spanking. I’m talking about nightmares. Dissociation. Not “bratting” but visceral fighting for one’s life. Losing control of one’s bladder. Isolation. Depression. But hey. That’s also a lot of people. Many people cope with traumas precisely through power play or impact play. By flooding themselves with endorphins. By reliving abuse in a controlled way. I have to admit my own spanking interests have an uncanny template based on home experiences. This seems to be healthy and adaptive in some ways. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not coming to this from a space of beating people raw. Quite the contrary. One friend comes to mind. A half dozen smacks with the hand over my knee and I notice she is “not there”, but trembling. I right her up. She’s trembling, unable to talk. Lost in some flashback. Or something. Some pain I’ll never know. No. Not sub space. A crisis. We talk about this. She went to a dark place. And I often encounter spankers who are fixated on what seems to be inflicting not just the most pain, but the most trauma they can give. That was the person who hurt my friend. I am reevaluating this spanking thing. Really after my friend’s injury. She’s traumatized now. Deeply broken. And the dude who hurt her had his own issues. And now my own. I am damaged and I am just some prick looking in the windows. I am wondering about to what extent I can have trauma and spanking overlap. I certainly don’t want to inflict trauma on someone. Do I want to trigger trauma in someone? Even if that is what they “want”? Is that doing a dead one a solid?
    1 point
  14. For years I really enjoyed the perfect spanking world. It was something I enjoyed with friends. People I loved and adored. And who felt similarly. We went to the mattresses for each other. I saw some of these people married and buried. I saw their kids come up. Grow up. All the things of life come and go. The joys and struggles. Really horrible losses. A lot of fun. Love. A lot of love. The spanking thing wasn’t our whole life. Our lives included it. It was never a scene or a lifestyle. It was something we did. We explored it. Talked about it. Like everything, we took it seriously— and not. There were people in our circle into other things. Not into anything. It wasn’t a drama. It wasn’t heavy. We were in our 30’s, 40’s, 50’s— and it was all new and fresh. Like so many other things. We all seemed to have professions and vocations that were interesting. That provided side entertainment for all. Hobbies. Crafts. So many with creative gifts. That all went away when a friend got seriously injured when her consent was violated. But that’s another story. All that disappeared. And I find myself through all these different spanking worlds online. I had poked around on line for a long time before. Mostly to chat and play. But I never was a part of a spanking world that was a thing. With all these terms. Niches. All sorts of social projections and expectations. Presumptions about roles. I’m still coming at this like I did in my spanking Valhalla. That lost paradise. Just connect, play, explore. Who knows what happens, right. I really don’t get it. I don’t know how to do this. I keep making trespasses. It is SO different. My latest trespass— some territorial stuff. Chatting with a woman in PM who is “taken” by a dom. Or a dom wannabe thinks so. This never happened in my spanking Valhalla. We just knew and respected each other. Another trespass? This woman hits me up and drops nothing but letters. ddlgcmnfdsrp? WTF. Some type of role play. She calls me a piece of shit when I tell her I don’t understand. OK. Again. I don’t understand this. Still don’t. Another trespass? A guy PM’s me and tells me some hard core fantasy of heavy dom stuff. Unsolicited. I didn’t reply. It was creepy stuff. That was the only interaction with him. Evah. I checked. No comments to posts. Maybe I looked at his profile? I’m not sure even of that. We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto... It’s not SN. Seems everywhere. I just want to connect and see what evolves. I’m just lost in all these roles, rules, traditions. Questions like: What type of spanker are you? Oh. There’s types? They rattle off six. Huh. I just hang out and do stuff with people? Whatever moves us? That type? The screwy thing. I am not new at this. Have been spanking since my 20’s. I just don’t get this world....
    1 point
  15. I was going to say that
    1 point
  16. Coming at it from the standpoint of common sense, I'd say the people who did shit like block you when you didn't play their game are in the wrong. And the "dom" who told you to stop chatting with that woman may not have been her dom at all. It might have been something like @rubyredd's harasser. If you didn't hear it from her, don't take it as coming from her.
    1 point
  17. Hi,we are an older mother/father image spankers.If ever interested in being spanked by us let us know.Located in southern Wisconsin but travel the state on business.
    1 point
  18. Hey, as a relative newbie I've been wondering about this myself and if I can find a spanker who would spank a non bare behind. So my question to you is, as you're not psychic (I assume anyway, you may be but it's very rare) how much is your assumption of what a woman needs, in fact what you need? I.e you seek out partners who are willing to be spanked bare as it is your desire to do so, because we are all different creatures and who on earth knows what discipline is to any other person.
    1 point
  19. No worries, @SpudStateSpankyand@SwitchWithMe. This need not escalate. In a sense, the three of us are all together in this, each against mistreatment and just trying to defend what feels right. If anything, we need to be on each other's sides.
    1 point
  20. Here I am derailing the thread (again).... Sorry, Ruby! Please forgive me. I'll keep my message as brief as possible. I don't normally log in anymore on mornings when I'm getting ready for work, but a certain little elf texted me. Thank you @SpudStateSpanky for your thoughts. @SwitchWithMe- Actually, I'm not against what you're saying. There is merit to it, and you deserve to be heard. I also greatly appreciate that you are against abusive relationships. Have you considered starting a thread on power dynamics? I think it would be an interesting topic and possibly insightful for all of us. I've been on the fence for awhile now about some aspects of the spanking lifestyle and how I want to move forward (or not move forward) after this hiatus I'm taking. @gravano has been invaluable to me. Some things he said were absolute epiphanies. I would be more than willing to continue this discussion with you, too, via PM. Who knows, you may say something I need to hear that brings me even more clarity. Thank you, SwitchWithMe, for speaking your truth.
    1 point
  21. Hold it? I’ve “turned against” @Chawsee? I really have nothing but respect for her. Show me where I have attacked her exactly? It reads to me that I took what she offered and got some difficult self reflection out of it. Everything I write about is my struggle, my concern, my doubt— and that’s somehow attacking another person?
    1 point
  22. If you actually read what I wrote, I am writing about my own concerns as a spanker, and as a spanker, as a sometimes mentor. How can I be going nuts attacking mentors now? I am reflecting on my own internal struggle and balance with this. How is that not obvious?
    1 point
  23. Whoa, whoa, whoa, jeez! You can take your observations from the “women in your circle” and color every mentor negatively because of it, but just know if you do that, that your sampling is just that, a small number of women in the whole wide world of spankos, filtered through your opinion. It sounds like you’re just going nuts attacking mentors now. My mentor, @Chawsee, the one you’ve turned against in your posts above, is so kind hearted and careful that the abuse you’re droning on about would be unfathomable with her. It’s a total non-issue, as in zero, not going to happen, period, end of story. @Needing correction! also has a great mentor, if you read what he said. This thread has been derailed enough, so stop being a troll, OK?!
    1 point
  24. I think that all spanking videos are porn. I don't consider either spanking or sex to be pornographic - I just classify videos as such. And it doesn't matter to me if tge video includes erotic spanking or discipline-style spanking. If I am watching it, it is porn. I am okay with that, though.
    1 point
  25. @ChawseeWell we are all just the sum of our experiences. On multiple occasions, women in my circle, or women I have chatted with, have had a “mentor” change their rules slowly and gradually so that in the end they were getting thrashed regularly like doing the dishes. And such that sexual activity crept in. So those experiences have been a reminder as to how my psychology as a spanker can shift, drift, and not only that, creep in. When it clicked for many of these women, they were furious. Am I being mentored, or am I here to be got off on? With people in my spanking circle, I have had spankees so soft and submissive that we really struggled having a conversation about what they wanted to be disciplined for. Leaving it wholly up to me. I am fine with being dominant in this role. I am not fine with a blank slate. Oh, you think you are lazy and a bitch? Or you think you are messy? Need motivation to make life changes? Alright. Then the spankee’s values and wishes are on the table. Give me nothing and I’m not comfortable there. That’s what I mean by my metrics and the mentee’s metrics blending. It’s a tricky thing for me because some people are habituated into giving up control and agency because of experience with abusive relationships. I can ethically not cross the lines I wish to not cross. But this aspect is hard. My late partner had a desire to be disciplined and mentored. She also had a pattern of being told what to do and hit or humiliated by abusive parents and in domestic violence. Now I am doing the same? Hitting because of a rule or goal? There is a lot there to unpack and be responsible to and for there.
    1 point
  26. @Chawsee The mentor-mentee thing is a little hard for me. I can understand the need for such a relationship. As a spanker I have some reservations. There is a fine line between mentoring somebody according to metrics that empower them, strengthen them, build them up... and the mentoring rules being a pretext for spanking, and thus the mentee being spanked for things just to make a spanking happen. This is something I have seen happen. It’s also hard for me in that my metrics and my mentee’s metrics can mix and blend in ways that aren’t healthy. I have the integrity and boundaries to keep my shit to myself. But I have had very soft and malleable spankees really looking less for being mentored (this is who I am and where I need to be is over there— give me a swat) and more for being formed by me. I guess I am too much of a professional mentor in my job to be too comfortable with these subtle angles.
    1 point
  27. Some implements used to be on my bucket list. A few scenarios for role play. A few scenarios for socially spanking. Not sure any more. After my friend got injured, it seems silly. I’m not sure I am cut out for this anymore. My spanko bucket list is more about relationship, connection. Really going deep. Going intense— not hard, brutal.
    1 point
  28. This is sort of a trigger issue for me. A friend was injured because she was struck when she was unable to respond and thus use a safe word. So a non-negotiable line is responsiveness. I won’t play with anyone who is unresponsive. I never thought in my life this would have to be a hard line, but I guess it is. I wouldn’t hit an unresponsive person. That’s not my worry. But from this comes several other lines I won’t cross. I will only play with somebody with dialog through the spanking. I won’t spank a drunk or drugged person. Related to that is agency. I really can’t play if the spirit is “do anything you want to me” or “hurt me as much as you want”. Again, I’m not worried about doing that. But I don’t want to be in that space. Whatever is going to happen will be discussed. Not a Whitman Sampler of beatings for me to enjoy. I won’t injure somebody. I never thought I’d have to articulate this, but my friend’s experience makes me. I am not going to open skin. Cut skin. Tear skin. Your insides are not becoming outsides. And the final one— I won’t traumatize anyone. I will not put you into a state of trauma. You are not going to have a nightmare because of me. Dissociate because of me. Vomit or piss yourself because of me. You are not going to have a PTSD episode when something reminds you of a spanking. I’m not putting you into therapy or driving you to substances. This ties to responsiveness. If you are not responsive there is a problem. A side bar with this final one— I’m not making you relive trauma. I’m not sending you to hell. I’m not sending you to your abusive dad. I’m not making you dissociate to get relief from some trauma either. I love you. You are my friend. If you are traumatized by some horrible event, my laying a belt across you is not therapy. Hurting you so much you dissociate is not the best cure. At least I can’t do it.
    1 point
  29. And— I actually posted that. I’m so screwed. 😭
    1 point
  30. Any relationship is— a relationship. A spanking relationship no different. In a lot of ways it’s like a sexual relationship. Everything that’s good with a lover is good with spanking. Same with everything that’s bad. I’d be a horrible lover to just use her to get off. To be sexually greedy, selfish. It would also be sad if I didn’t do anything for her. Was indifferent. Uninterested. If her bliss didn’t matter. No different with spanking. It’s being a shitty lover if I was coarse and rough with her when it was time to be tender. Or if I was too soft to be able to grab her hair and press her up against the wall when it was time for that. To not be able to res that. Or be unwilling to. Or ignore the unspoken words. No different with spanking. And I’d be a nasty lover to not put in the time. Not give my energy. Not be willing to give up part of my self. To not be present. Aware. Connected. To not be dependable for a quickie, or able to lavish doting care. To be all wall and stone. To never be soft, open. Same with spanking. Not sure I could be a decent lover and not be responsible. For my strikes and foul balls. To have the responsibility to talk. Communicate. About needs and disappointments in bed. To share fantasies. To heap praise and adoring. Brutal honesty when needed. Before bitterness and estrangement. Really no different with spanking. Sounds crazy? Take out sex and put in spanking and it’s rocking. It’s just the Rx for intimacy, connection. But this is just me.
    1 point
  31. Not being sarcastic but how would this work, if you are already not participating in the process how would this be different?
    1 point
  32. Where oh where is the intrepid brat princess??? She must be afraid. She was able to tune into the fact she was in the presence of a highly attuned and intuitive brat tamer. She is merely squeaking with terror as we speak!!! Lol!
    1 point
  33. You're allowed to switch if you're a Switch!!!
    1 point
  34. @rubyredd It’s about time you started making threads out of these questions instead of posting them on your profile page. 😜 So I’m moving my answer from your profile page over to here... I think I’m the reason @Chawsee uses the term mentor. Back when I got to know her, I looked up to her so much that I asked her to mentor me. (I think she probably regrets that decision now. I’ve put her through a lot, LOL.). But to answer your question as a spankee, I think when our mentor or disciplinarian makes rules for us, it helps to remember that it’s for our own good. Sometimes I don’t like following these rules I agreed to, but later I can always see that it was for my benefit, and that I’m a better person for being made to follow through with something that I might not be so inclined to do on my own. So as a bottom, it’s my job to obey the rules we agreed to and make progress on the goals I promised to work toward. On a side note, I like the term mentor. It denotes more caring than “spanker” or “disciplinarian” or “top”.
    1 point
  35. Good thought. I may have to try this.
    1 point
  36. Okay, I will be completely honest here. I don't like too much sameness from one spanking to the next. Variety is an absolute must for me. So, ritual is not something I crave. Frankly, this particular ritual would just feel silly and contrived. I want my partner and I to have natural interactions and react authentically in the moment. If this was something you wanted me to do - even in a funishment / roleplay scenario - I would say "no." In a disciplinary situation, it would totally wreck my headspace and submissive response. BUT - you asked for feedback and I gave you my personal thoughts. That doesn't mean I don't respect your experiences and preferences - and I appreciate your willingness to share!
    1 point
  37. Wanted say Thank you to a sweet friend for all his help on this. Hugs dear friend. I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them. Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session. As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn. Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc. I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to. The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.
    1 point
  38. Great reply... I think you hit the bullseye with this is regards to why some 'ees don't want to talk about limits, details, etc. There is the fantasy version of a spanking, and then there is the real-life realities of a spanking. Fantasy: The spanker assumes total and absolute control and is free to exert that authority in anyway they deem appropriate by virtue of their experience, intuition and instinct. Reality: The spanker is granted as much control and authority as the spankee is willing to lend them temporarily, and is free to express that authority within the boundaries and limitations expressed by the spankee. I think the longer and deeper the relationship is between 'ee and 'er, the closer and closer Reality moves in the direction of Fantasy. But it takes time, communication, effort and experience together.
    1 point
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