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How to get my spouse to spank or get spanked by me?


Somthingrandom

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How to get my spouse to spank or get spanked by me?

 

This question seems to come up a lot.  It has been discussed ad nauseum with a variety of differing opinions.  Over the years I have read much of this advice and I know what worked for us.  In this first post on the subject, I am going to cover some broad strokes on the issue and hopefully help somebody move ahead on this.

First, I will only be covering spouses and discussing with the assumption the couple is married and in a committed relationship to each other.  I will also be biased to a male opinion for obvious reasons but will do my best to balance where I feel I have at least a clue about the ladies of the world.  I am also biased by my experiences but some of the items I will bring up are universal to all relationships.

1.        Communication 

Does your spouse even know that you want this?  I remember the first time I told my wife when we were engaged that spanking was a topic to discuss.  I was nervous, it was hard, and thankfully she listened.  But this begs a bigger question, “How well do you and your spouse communicate in the first place?”

Regardless if the subject is spanking, new car, kids, job, money, etc., can you and your spouse discuss a critical issue that leads to a productive result?  Most couples cannot for many reasons.  I recently had a conversation on a non-spanking subject where the gentleman considered a topic a simple matter while his spouse considered it a major emotional issue.  It has since swelled to a major rift in the relationship.  After discussing it with him the actual topic is not the issue.  The issue is they have never learned how to disagree on an emotional subject and come out the other side with a resolution, way ahead, or a framework to continue the discussion without drama, blame, guilt…etc.  So before you bring up the subject consider your spouse's reaction and if you all can make it a productive conversation?  Consider their thoughts on the issue beforehand and be honest about how it might affect them and the emotional reaction.  Keep in mind that for you this subject may be a need they don’t have and have preconceived notions (odd sexual fantasy) on the subject that solicits a very emotional reaction.

So my recommendation is before considering bringing the subject up, learn how to communicate with your spouse.  This will help you in not only this area but also in many other areas in your relationship.  For the guys, your wife will love all that talking in most cases…ladies you have a tougher nut to crack.  But I will cover that in my next to post…the secret to a man's heart…if you have not figured it out already.

2.        Don’t lie, manipulate, cheat, sneak around..etc.

Some of the worst advice I have seen on the internet is “find somebody else who will do it”...NO!!!!  Not unless your spouse is 100% on board with zero doubt. Then proceed with much caution.

Let me explain for those that it is not obvious for.  If this need is so strong that you are willing to do this no matter what, then this subject is something very profound and intimate for you that your spouse needs to be on board with.  Likewise, many spouses would view this as a sexual act if they have no other context and would consider it cheating.  Just don’t do it.

“But my spouse would never agree” – If you have tried all other avenues with your spouse (talking, counseling, education, etc.) and they still refuse you may just have to wait it out. It took 10 years in my case.  Maybe later I will make an attempt to explain to spouses what this is all about.  At the end of the day, your marriage is more important than this need.  If you have to, work on your marriage first, then fulfilling this need.

3.        Your spouse is not your personal porn star

I know this does not apply to all but it does apply to many. This is more for the guys out there but it may apply to some of you ladies.  Your spouse is a human person with dignity and deserves your respect.  But in some case, you sit around watching spanking videos, porn, and other images to satisfy some craving.  Slowly over time, the urge becomes more urgent and you want this more and more.  However, you live in the real world.

I hear many suggest “Show your spouse some of your favorite videos” and give them ideas.  Unless you have already discussed the subject and have a very mature relationship, do not do this.  Most spouses (ladies especially) are consciously or sub-consciously worried about the approval and acceptance of their spouse.  You want your spouse to accept you for who you are right?  Why should you expect less of them?  The person on the video is not them but, in their eyes, you are asking them to be the person on the screen and not who they already are.  I cannot think of a deeper insult to a spouse outside of physically cheating on them.  Don’t do it.

My suggestion:  For three months before you engage your spouse on wanting to spank you, dry out.  If you are watching any type of pornography, videos, etc. STOP.  Let your brain clear itself.  This will help you to understand why you want this and not a conditioned response in your head to artificial stimuli.  During this time I suggest not masturbating either…this will further clear the head.  Focus on your spouse for all your sexual desires.  “But he/she cannot keep up with my appetite”…then treat them like royalty.  Make them want to please you because you do the dishes, buy flowers, make their favorite meal, bring him a beer while he is watching the game, etc.  If you don’t know what your spouse likes and what gets them going, now is the time to find out.  You cannot get until you give.

“I don’t have a problem in this area, I don’t need to do this” – Then it should be no problem to give it a try.  You want your spouse to engage with you right?  Is this not worth it?  How bad do you really want this?

4.        Know what you need and want first:

This will be the last one till next week.  You cannot communicate to your spouse what you want till you know it first.  Spend some quality time with yourself (see 3 above on clearing your head).  Think long and hard and maybe even seek help on what you want and why.  I have a very simple reason why.  That is going to be the first question your spouse asks you when you tell them.  So you might as well make it part of telling them.

Any salesperson, pastor, leader, or person of influence will tell you that people won’t buy, believe in or follow somebody who is lost themselves.  Discovering for yourself could also help you to better understand other aspects of your life.  Seek counseling if you need to.

If you cannot figure it out at some level then here is a little trick you might try if all else fails.  Don’t ask your spouse to do anything but simply explain you have these desires and as somebody, you trust you would like them to work through it with them and discuss it with you.  Don’t demand and don’t manipulate, but use the subject to draw you closer together.  Chances are your spouse already knows something is up but they just don’t know what.  Use the subject to learn more about each other and yourself…then if the opportunity presents itself you can then ask them to “play along”.

So I am not sure if this is good or bad advice but is what I have.  If you have better advice or disagree the comment box is below, have at it.  I will continue next week provided a mob does not come after me.

 

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Good advice. I'd say I agree with most of it.

My experience is that I've gone through all of these steps (and certainly made mistakes). My wife understands and accepts this part of me and tries to help. But I don't think she will ever be comfortable with it, and even though she likes the idea of "being in charge" (one of the perks for her), she has trouble initiating and dishing out discipline. So we are kind of stuck at this point.

I know we need to discuss it, but the discussion (and readings I give her) don't seem to lead anywhere. I think the biggest problem is that (being a vanilla) this is so far down on her list of priorities, but it's at the top of mine. I think about it all the time while I'm guessing the whole thing rarely crosses her mind.

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@countspankulot

Before we could talk about it, we had to learn how to talk.  This was an overall change for us in a lot of respects.  We dug up how we react to things based on childhood experiences, how others interacted, differant cultures (country boy and a city girl), etc.  It was really eye opening.

Alot of the advice above was what not to do.  A piece of advice I always give is...become a servant...not a slave.  If there are jobs around the house she hates...do them for her.  If she really likes something that you loath to do...do it.  Really make her the prioirty...show her evidence you are changing for the good.  This gets me out of the dog house all the time and convinced my wife this was more than just some weird fetish.

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For my wife and I, communication was already good. We have been together for 9 years now, and I brought up having her spank me about 4 years ago. Right up front I explained why I wanted her to spank me. The biggest hurdle was her learning how to spank without causing some kind of major injury. The first few times I went across her lap were a bit disappointing but eventually she started to develop a technique and got better at administering the spanking. 

Since I was the one pushing to introduce this into our relationship, I would spend time finding articles on line about the DD lifestyle, romantic spanking, whatever I could get my hands on and have her read. She had to understand that I wasn’t the only person on the planet that wanted this. The key was her willingness to research. 

Every spanking typically ends in us having sex or some form of mutual release. The next step for us is me receiving a spanking without sex, but that’s another post for a new thread!

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On 7/21/2018 at 4:06 PM, Somthingrandom said:

A piece of advice I always give is...become a servant...not a slave.  If there are jobs around the house she hates...do them for her.  If she really likes something that you loath to do...do it.  Really make her the prioirty...show her evidence you are changing for the good.  This gets me out of the dog house all the time and convinced my wife this was more than just some weird fetish. 

Good advice. I've tried to do that too. But now I seem to be stuck in between doing most of the jobs she doesn't want to do and threatening to stop doing them or "forgetting" to do them because it been so long since she has given me what I need. Don't get me wrong. She has had plenty of opportunities and reasons to discipline me even when I was (and still am) making her my priority. It just didn't happen.

I keep coming back to just thinking this will never really work the way I need it to, and it might be better to just put it out of relationship completely. But then something will happen that gets me hoping it could work after all.

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I think it is important if you are being spanked by a vanilla wife to try and be really well behaved afterwards. Not because of punishment. I mean just the sexual thing. I'd hate her to associate her willingness to spank with obnoxious behaviour afterwards. I am so fulfilled by it I want to nurture the love between us more.

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I have been excited by spanking since I was five years old. It excited me before I knew what excited was. Over the years I have spanked and been spanked by males and females. I do prefer females, but spanking is spanking.

I told my wife of my needs but she refuses to understand. Its not like I insist on spanking her; I could understand why she may not accept that. I don't understand why she does not want to spank ME. She has a few times never long or hard enough. She did spank very hard ONCE. I loved it. When she saw the marks the next day she never did it again. It got so when I would ask for a spanking the discussed look on her face was terrible to see. She would give me about 20 soft spanks then stop. Recently its not worth the effort. Therefore I visit spanking sites and self spank. Also get directed self spankings by phone. I have also visited a few professional female spankers. The spankings were worth every cent but I can't afford to do it often.

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10 hours ago, otkpantsdown 49 said:

but she refuses to understand

I found this statement interesting compared to the rest of what you say.  Sounds like she is making an attempt from time to time and needs more time.  I would encourage you to continue to communicate about it.

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This is the best article I have seen for ages. I first ask my wife to spank me when my head was beginning to turn because of spanking ads in a trade newspaper. I knew this was dangerous for our marriage so I asked her to spank me to keep it in the marriage. She asked why what have you done wrong. I knew that would be the wrong road to go down for me so I asked her just to spank me which she did. She has said without prompting that she is comfortable with it so I have been fortunate. She communicates with me asking if that is hard enough etc. so it works well. She is a very moral person and was a virgin when she married me and she is very faithful. It is very surprising that she turned out to be so comfortable with it. Sometimes she will ask me if I need a spanking without me asking and she is usually bang on having a kind of sixth sense about it.

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@Tony Conrad  Thank you for the compliment.  Sometimes our spouses surprise us, but either way they deserve to be in the conversation and make their own choice.  It took us 10 years but we made it.

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On 10/26/2018 at 9:11 PM, Somthingrandom said:

I found this statement interesting compared to the rest of what you say.  Sounds like she is making an attempt from time to time and needs more time.  I would encourage you to continue to communicate about it.

Well its been 20 years now, she still refuses to understand . Recently the discussed look when I ask for a spanking is just not worth the effort for the few soft spanks! Thats why I'm here and why I visit professinals.

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Not blaming anyone but I think your marriage is being weakened by you going to a professional.

Are you asking her to punish you or just to spank you?

Lots of wives don't want to be a punisher but are willing to spank. The internet is full of women being spanked, but a man being spanked is still not quite acceptable. A woman once said on a forum that it doesn't look good to see man being spanked by a woman. My reply was that it was between my wife and me and nothing to do with looking good for other people. That would be more pornography.

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Read a novel together and talk about it. I very much recommend starting with something fun and relationship building, like Cheeky's Legacy. But for more fantasy like choose the Beauty Books 

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Maybe I'm not good at finding them, but I don't see a lot of posts on this forum from committed married couples who practice spanking.  So this post of yours is very interesting to me.  I agree with you in general about good communications with your spouse, but I have to admit, my wife and I just don't talk about these things.  You said:  

"The issue is they have never learned how to disagree on an emotional subject and come out the other side with a resolution, way ahead, or a framework to continue the discussion without drama, blame, guilt…etc.  So before you bring up the subject consider your spouse's reaction and if you all can make it a productive conversation?  Consider their thoughts on the issue beforehand and be honest about how it might affect them and the emotional reaction.  Keep in mind that for you this subject may be a need they don’t have and have preconceived notions (odd sexual fantasy) on the subject that solicits a very emotional reaction."

The entire evolution of our spanking practices, indeed of our sexual relationship in general, has been a process of just trying out each new thing (mostly at my behest) with no lead up or discussion, and seeing how it goes.  I never once asked her questions such as what she would think of being spanked, or of me using a spanking implement instead of just by hand, or trying out light bondage, or whatever the next step was that I had in mind.  Every step was just me introducing things in the smallest increments possible and seeing how each turned out. Then, assuming it worked out, after acclimating to the change, introducing the next change, and the next, and the next, and so forth.  The biggest challenge was to keep a slow and steady pace, not rush it and go for too much change too quickly.

And this was not because I didn't want to talk about things with her.  I just knew that if I did ask, or try to have a frank discussion, as in the few times where I did attempt to discuss our sex life or sexual practices in any but the most circumspect way, she would look at me like I was from Mars.  The only exception was when I discussed safe words with her, because I felt we had to, and we agreed on them.  But that was a more clinical / methodological chat than anything.  I guess I don't have a clue about her sexual fantasies really.  She seems to enjoy what we do, and I guess that's what really matters.  But I wish I knew more about what she thinks, and wants, and desires.  

And the idea of reading or watching any literature on the subject together was always utterly out of the question.  The closest I had to a moment like that with her was when we went to watch Fifty Shades of Gray, and when Christian invited Ana into his apartment, puts her over his knee, and gives her a few pats on the bare behind, then says "Welcome to my world," and I muttered something like "What world is that, guy? Patty-cake land?"  And my wife looks at me smiling and shushes me, and then I started pointing at couples near us and whispering "Do you think they spank each other?  How about them?"  and we both start giggling.  Another time, we were watching Family Guy, and Lois and Peter put on their S&M leather, she tells him the safe word is “banana,” zips his gag shut, and clocks him. I turned to my wife and told her banana will be our new safe word from now on instead of yellow, and she laughed at that. It still is by the way.  Outside of those few, rare, enchanting moments, we don't discuss or deal with this topic outside the bedroom.  I just don't, as you put it, feel that I can make it a productive conversation.  

Nevertheless, over the years, in this slow manner of evolution, our spanking activities grew in variety and intensity.  I was able to adopt and nurture a spanking relationship with my wife involving just about zero discussion on the topic, ever.  I guess we somehow communicated all right, but none of it was verbal.      

I am curious if any other couples have faced this kind of challenge and yet worked around it to accomplish their desires.  


 

 

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Good post. I also find it rare to have comments from faithfully married people. I'm not into getting sex apart from marriage and that includes spanking.

With me also we have few words about it apart from the initial time I asked her to spank me which she did. It has developed a lot since then. I suppose as she got comfortable with it it became part of the scenario, mainly when I asked for it. I sensed it did nothing for her as I was the one with the fetish as they call it. Since the children have left home it has really taken off but I always make sure she is satisfied fully in the things that she likes which one would call vanilla things really. One thing I am not into is real punishment and refuse to touch it as I believe it would affect our marriage relationship, which must come first. Also I don't watch pornography which can be mental adultery if you are not careful. Domination is out as well as that can negatively affect the marriage relationship. Most of the spanking community seem to have all sorts of partners and have no concept of morality so there is not much there to savour on this subject, so it is just between us, which is as it should be. A few times she has asked me if I needed a spanking which I find uncanny as at those times it was exactly what I was feeling.

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@Rand E @Tony Conrad

I find both of your posts interesting.

One comment both of you made about not finding dedicated couples is probably a normal "selection bias" of these websites.  Committed couples who have it working dont hang out too much on sites for people trying to find themselves.  They are out there, just dont have as much need to talk about it on the internet.

Every couple will be differant.  The advice I gave was trying to be general for people who have not taken that first step.  Once the conversation has started then it depends on those involved.

Best of luck in your marriages moving forward on this.

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1 hour ago, Somthingrandom said:

@Rand E @Tony Conrad

I find both of your posts interesting.

One comment both of you made about not finding dedicated couples is probably a normal "selection bias" of these websites.  Committed couples who have it working dont hang out too much on sites for people trying to find themselves.  They are out there, just dont have as much need to talk about it on the internet.

Every couple will be differant.  The advice I gave was trying to be general for people who have not taken that first step.  Once the conversation has started then it depends on those involved.

Best of luck in your marriages moving forward on this.

You are right.  The internet has been around for quite a while, and I've been a spanko even longer, but I only just recently got curious and decided to get on forums such as this and interact with people.  I'm probably typical in that regard.  If I were younger and single, I might be inclined to try to meet people with similar interests in spanking and socialize.  My wife would get mad at me if I told her that, she's a bit old fashioned.  "What??? You want to hang out with swingers and go to sex parties?"  If she knew I was posting stuff about us on the web, albeit anonymously, she'd probably give me a whoopin'.  And not the fun kind.  ;)

 

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On 1/20/2019 at 10:27 AM, Tony Conrad said:

I think I agree with your wife.

About being old-fashioned or giving me a whoopin?  :)

But she's right. We would never do it.  And I would never do it.  Yet, it's hard not to day-dream sometimes about swinging with the spanking crowd.  Maybe in my next life.  ;)

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On 1/11/2019 at 5:05 AM, Tony Conrad said:

Good post. I also find it rare to have comments from faithfully married people. I'm not into getting sex apart from marriage and that includes spanking.

With me also we have few words about it apart from the initial time I asked her to spank me which she did. It has developed a lot since then. I suppose as she got comfortable with it it became part of the scenario, mainly when I asked for it. I sensed it did nothing for her as I was the one with the fetish as they call it. Since the children have left home it has really taken off but I always make sure she is satisfied fully in the things that she likes which one would call vanilla things really. One thing I am not into is real punishment and refuse to touch it as I believe it would affect our marriage relationship, which must come first. Also I don't watch pornography which can be mental adultery if you are not careful. Domination is out as well as that can negatively affect the marriage relationship. Most of the spanking community seem to have all sorts of partners and have no concept of morality so there is not much there to savour on this subject, so it is just between us, which is as it should be. A few times she has asked me if I needed a spanking which I find uncanny as at those times it was exactly what I was feeling.

That's true.  There probably won't ever be many old married/committed/monogamous couples on forums like this.  As for us, my wife is too private, and it's really out of character for me to be discussing it with others on a forum like this, yet here I am because, well, just curiosity.  I grew up on the streets of Hollywood.  I had some strange friends, and even stranger acquaintances, so I developed a sort-of detached non-judgmental fascination with things that are different from me.  Even if I would never adopt a promiscuous life-style, or have multiple spanking partners, it's sometimes interesting to interact with the folks on this forum who do.  

 

    

 

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On 1/22/2019 at 6:09 AM, Rand E said:

About being old-fashioned or giving me a whoopin?  :)

But she's right. We would never do it.  And I would never do it.  Yet, it's hard not to day-dream sometimes about swinging with the spanking crowd.  Maybe in my next life.  ;)

Your marriage is more important believe me. It is a kind of adultery and you should resist it. I know there is temptation. My wife understands this and provides what I need so I don't have to give in to temptation.

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On 1/22/2019 at 7:25 AM, Rand E said:

That's true.  There probably won't ever be many old married/committed/monogamous couples on forums like this.  As for us, my wife is too private, and it's really out of character for me to be discussing it with others on a forum like this, yet here I am because, well, just curiosity.  I grew up on the streets of Hollywood.  I had some strange friends, and even stranger acquaintances, so I developed a sort-of detached non-judgmental fascination with things that are different from me.  Even if I would never adopt a promiscuous life-style, or have multiple spanking partners, it's sometimes interesting to interact with the folks on this forum who do.  

We live in days that this is becoming main stream but marriage is still far more important than straying. Spanking is sex whatever people try to say and being faithful is only having sex with your spouse. It is an avenue of temptation but we have to resist it and keep decent people for our wives. It is good to share in an intelligent way but personally I shy away when it is obvious that people are trying to tittilate or be suggestive. There are hardly any sites that one can share sincerely on the subject. More and more I am beginning to realise that it is mainly my wife I should share with and not the whole world.

    

 

 

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My experiences almost mirrors Count's exactly.  After a few conversations my wife agreed to spank me and she did diligently for a couple years but often it wasn't to the intensity I needed and it left me frustrated.  I tried to communicate my needs as best as I could without  coming across as complaining by sending her articles and stories. She would pretend to read them and never really wanted to have a discussion about it saying I didn't need to explain myself.  She never initiated a spanking yet being the loving wife she was she would always oblige if I requested.  Eventually I became wore down with it all and stopped asking for them.  Before I knew it six months had passed without a single word about it from her.  Like Count, I tried doing extra things around the house like taking over her chores and doing everything I could think of to make her happy thinking it would help.  It never seemed to make a difference at all.  

So here I am, back where I started.  I am disappointed but at the same time I do understand that she may simply not be comfortable with it for whatever reason and sadly I just think it's not in the cards for me in the way I I would like things to play out.  I have recently accepted that and I'm now in the process of trying to move past spanking as best I can.  I wish everyone else the best of luck in pursuing their spanking interests.

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@FinallyFree

Sounds like you gave it a good try and it is disappointing.  Some people dont come around.  

To give you some hope my wife is finally initiating after knowing for 13 years and spanking for 2 to 3 now.  Took her a long time.

It is your call but I know for me if she was still willing to do it if you ask I would at least accept that as a consolation prize.  But that just my opinion.

Good luck and all the best to you.

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