I guess this blog is quite selfishly for myself, to make sense of all this. I have been into spanking as a child and can quite clearly remember going into my own little spanko world, imagining myself in different scenarios (any but the one I was in). Spanko world was safe, loving...I was protected and held accountable. It was only until my first relationship that I found a book and read it and there were several spanking stories that it really clicked and I attempted to get my now Ex into it but though he was very open to discussing it, he just didn't have it in him.
As a child growing up in a developing country I lived in a family of 5. My mom who had had an illness which is now considered non-existent as a teenager and thereafter had a damaged heart. So my whole upbringing was centered around my moms health, in and out of hospital for stays and daily for medication injections. When I was 8 I learned how to do this myself and thought I was so cool slamming a needle into my moms leg. I was a mini nurse and from a very early age quickly becoming the parent. Though I was the youngest child by 4 and 6 years I quickly took on a lot of the 'caring' responsibilities. I supported my mom going into hospital every day, going shopping doing chores etc.
There was a whole other side to the dynamic though and that came with my moms temper. The youngest I can remember being abused was at 5 or 6.
We were also disciplined though not always 'correctly'; 'smacked' or 'given a hiding' with a slipper, wooden spoon or hand, but it was done in anger. As I got older it was more just slaps, punches, being shoved and being pinned to a wall where I couldn't breathe. We constantly had her screaming in our faces, weren't allowed to flinch, move or look away and had to respond 'yes mom'.
My sister liked to be the center of attention, where I am always eager to please and it breaks my heart to know I have dissapointed, she will do something she knows she shouldn't and announce it to the world. We never got along from the day I was born to the day we left home. She hated me and I hated the way she treated me...and it's only in the last 2 or 3 years that we are very slowly building up a bond and getting more 'sisterly love'.
When I was 18 my brother found a girlfriend we all thought we loved - until she took him away from us. We didn't see or hear from him for 6 years. My mom blamed this on me - knowing her you can imagine how this played out in my life for 6 years!
When I was 18 I went and worked at a 'public (the posh kind)' school and lived with the teacher I was working under. She was a very hard lady and we instantly took a disliking to each other...but it was a tough time. She kept her house freezing apart from her bedroom and the lounge which she put portable heaters in. I remember one night going to sleep with wet hair and waking up in the morning to find it frozen solid to my head and having a shower to literally defrost myself. Each day she would write down everything I did wrong and at the end of the day we would have to talk about them and apologise for each thing.
At 23 I found and moved in with a man who was genuinely a lovely guy who in many ways was a dream come true. My first signs really of his temper was when he taught me to drive and if I made a mistake he punched me. Though the relationship the 'punches' happened more and more regularly. Without going into a very private part of my life, for 2 years I was raped. By the end he'd pinned me just like my mom used to several times...as you can imagine I ended it. He promised to go to anger management classes but I'd had it and the end had come.
So coming from all that history why on earth am I drawn to a life where i am controlled and some vanillas would say 'abused'. Is there something in my blood where I need to be? Why is it that I feel I need a guy to be 'over' me?
So I am a strong personality, a strong character with a very high standard of morals. I am not a swearer, I don't sleep around, I don't 'date' unless I can see something bigger could develop and because of my past I do not trust easily. I hold people at arms length, but once I let someone in - they are really in. I am fiercely independent and like to look after myself, i haven't had that someone looking after me, I have always been a mini parent, my own protector, the carer - and to let someone in that close to me is terrifying. Which only makes my logic of wanting this lifestyle even more confusing - there is no logic!
So the way I see the DD/CDD/TIH/HOH lifestyle is a couple who are not top and bottom, not controller and controllee, not dominant and submissive but two people who love each other living life together. Both who are equal, who are important, who are cared for and loved and looked after. The difference being that when she (or in some cases he, but since I am going Biblical and God says man is the head) needs accountability, he holds her accountable. He provides guidance and boundaries for her to live within, not for control but for safety and security - then holds himself to the same rules. Her consequences come in the form of discipline whether that he spanking, restrictions, tasks etc; and his comes in being open and honest, self-correcting but also allowing her to be open and honest and holding him accountable for his actions.
For once in my life I would like to not be the one doing all the caring and receiving all the abuse, I would like the caring to go both ways and to feel completely safe. Yes I know my butt will be painful at times, but I also know it's not done in temper, I am safe, loved and still protected. I don't need to live in fear, don't need to watch my back and can completely trust my partner - even at my most vulnerable.
I am drawn to the accountability, with the types of abuse I have recieved and my personality type I struggle with letting people down, whether that is others or myself and to be able to let that guilt and feeling of 'sorrow from my actions' go would be amazing rather then having to bury them. I crave to have someone there who is 'looking after' me (not taking away too much of my independence), someone who wants to protect me - someone I can look up to.
I struggle in life with self-discipline, and tend to act on impulse. I am very sarcastic and do occasionally get stroppy (I blame this on being a woman blessed with these delightful things called hormones *facepalm). I think the numerous things that fall under these two umbrella categories are the things that will get me 'accounting' the most.
So is this lifestyle another form of abuse? Absolutely not!
Edited by leighaddyTiH