So evidently people read what I am writing. Not sure why sometimes but it gives me a creative outlet so let’s dive in.
Last entry we covered some of the histories of how we got where we are today. I will continue with that same line but through the lens of our process and my psychology. We will finish with a description of the spanking I got last night and why.
The process is fairly simple and is as follows:
1. Confess the deed or get called out
2. Discussion and Judgement
Confessing or Getting Called Out:
This is exactly what it sounds like. I confess when I broke a rule or think I might have to get her decision. When I am home I have one day to confess and when traveling I have two days unless it is not possible. If I don’t confess in that time frame things get worse when I do. This rule was put into place so I don’t drag my feet and start an internal drama with myself making all those around me miserable also. I really do desire to change the actions we punish for and it creates a level of guilt or anxiety when I fail again. This will many times cause me to lie more….creating an even bigger problem. So the quicker the better.
It is not easy to confess. Less because a punishment is coming but more due to I know my wife is invested in this with me and wants to see me do better. So it makes it hard to admit I failed…again. Also, part of my childhood comes into play. My wife and former therapist both alluded to my childhood as abusive without ever saying the word since they know I don’t entirely agree. However, we did settle on the word “harsh” to describe it. So much so I developed a habit of lying in a very convincing manner and became a master manipulator. It got so bad that even as an adult I could get out of any situation and had 0 accountability to anybody or anything. So going from that to confessing (even though I am now a grown man) is very hard and psychologically and emotionally part of the process.
The confession usually includes not only what happened but some of my mindset and any extenuating circumstances. Depending on the situation it could immediately go to step 2 and get a judgment (straightforward and not much to discuss) or we discuss it for a couple days to fully understand.
Getting called out is something newer we are doing. We recently added my “attitude” to the list. Mostly to help with anger but in a “non-punishment” way we also use it for when I get down or depressed. The spanking from last night is an example and will be discussed at the end of the article. But I get called out when I need my “reset” button hit and I am too moody to ask. We do this two ways…she tells me or we have a back scratcher in our bedroom that gets left on my dresser as an indication to straighten up because we will be spanking after the kids are in bed. I can also put it out…but have yet to do so. Since this is new I will let you all know how it is going. But it took my wife less than 24 hours to use it.
Discussion and Judgement
This part of the process is a bundle of emotions for me. I am an INTJ on the Briggs-Myer assessment. Which means I am a very thoughtful introvert. Explaining my emotions and behaviors is not high on the list of things to do. However, it does help me and helps her a lot to further explain the what, when, where, and why and have her ask hard questions helps me to process. I don’t mind doing this to somebody else, but I get nervous, laugh, joke, get silent…all sorts of things.
For the most part, I just want it to be over with and move on to the punishment. It has to start so it can be over…one thing I hate is after the discussion her saying “I need to think about it more”…Ahhhhh!! This usually also means the punishment will “fit” the crime. If it is sexual – Cold Showers, if it is lying at work – I use my standing desk all day at work, if it is lying/storytelling while out drinking – no drinking for a few days/week…and so on. She is not thinking about it but more customizing the punishment. This is not often but drives me crazy. Which is a tool she uses to make this more real.
So I will write in more detail on this in its own post. But over the past year, we have developed a list we share as a Google Drive document that outlines mild to severe punishments and how each rank. For example, no drinking for 1-2 days is very mild, no drinking for 1 week or more is more severe. For spanking, a mild is a few quick spots (more of a reminder) and a severe is 15 to 20 minutes after a hot shower. Which she can then combine and customize based on the situation (am I traveling, what does the family schedule look like, etc.). She tries to make sure the punishment does not affect others as a second order effect…so I end up with a lot of cold showers when I travel.
Whatever the punishment I am expected to submit, keep up with it myself, and self-report any violation of not following through…which is automatically an additional severe punishment. In general, she does not expect to have to babysit the punishment. This is for me so I need to follow through. She does check in on me if the punishment is longer or new but that is to make sure it helps me and does not cause issues outside of the punishment itself.
During the punishment, my mental state can vary. Sometimes I am relieved that a “penance” has started and will soon be able to close the issue. Other times it is agony. Specifically on longer punishments meant to hurt more in that area. I can usually stay in decent spirits but it is sometimes hard. But as long as I don’t get depressed I tough it out, accept it, and get it over with. To be honest I sometimes prefer a spanking since it has a quicker path to the being done.
This step can vary. At a minimum we validate to each other it is over and done. Sometimes we going into how it affected me, feedback, etc. On a spanking, there is usually a hug afterward and the next day feedback on anything that needs to be discussed (i.e Don’t use the paddle when I am on all fours because it hurts my back).
This step can be powerful and something we need to work on. Making sure there is a recap and a mutual understanding of what happened and if it affects anything going forward saves from having issues in the future.
I planned on being more detailed but this is getting long and will get into the psychology and history of it more in the future. I am interested in any questions you might have or specifics you might want me to include in the future.
GETTING SPANKED LAST NIGHT:
So we have spanked for some time to help me “reset” emotionally when I get in a rut, get upset, etc. But we always had the issue of when I am in that mood it is really hard for me to say “I need a spanking”. They do hurt and emotionally even though I know it will help I just can’t say it sometimes.
We now have a new process. If she thinks I am starting to get upset, am upset, in a rut, angry, etc., she can either tells me I am getting spanked or put out the backscratcher (see above for those that skimmed and skipped it).
So I watched the kids most of the day yesterday while she visited family. It was a long day at the park, kids complaining, rain…fun stuff of parenthood. When she got home I was ok but needed a break. I took some time but towards dinner, the slightest things were starting to annoy me and she could tell I was starting to get upset. After making dinner I walked into the bedroom and there was the backscratcher on my dresser. Well, that was that. We continued the bedtime routine and got the kids in bed and I sat on the couch with some tea till she finally came in.
She smiled and sat next to me and said (paraphrased), “So we are doing a spanking. It is not a punishment but I could tell you were getting upset and we have a busy week and I know it will help you get your week started. It will just be a quick one”. I said something snarky like “took you less than 24 hours to use the backscratcher” which she just said “we discussed me taking more initiative”…which I agreed she was doing what we discussed. Part of me was glad since this was a step in a better direction for me.
We have to wait till we KNOW the kids are asleep. Which I get more anxious with each passing minute. Finally, I said can we go ahead and get this over with. She told me to go to the “Office” (see previous post) and pick three implements and pull my pants down. Which I did. I don’t like picking the implements…but that is why she does it. I picked the wooden spoon, a leather strap, and a wooden paddle. I expected to be bent over touching the couch (equivalent to hands-on-knees) and these three would be the least painful because of the swing range and the fact she always swings the wood paddle slower than the Lexan paddle. Since it was not a punishment I also only expected half swings.
She came down as I was pulling down my pajama pants and told me to bend over (right so far). She started with the leather strap. While they were not full swings I knew that this was still going to hurt pretty quick. She did about 10 quick swats with it and got my knees buckling a little. She then quietly got the wooden spoon and forgot where my butt was and started working on my upper thigh. She probably thought I chose the wooden spoon because it is less lethal and decided to make sure it still had an impact. She eventually made it up to my sit spot and stayed there for about 20 or so swats. That part is still sore as I sit here.
Now this made me second guess my wooden paddle decision. But too late now. However, I was partially right. While it was still harder than I estimated it was not as hard as the Lexan paddle would have been. I got 10 or so swats on the lower part of my butt with some overlap on my sore sit spots. She then said I was done and to pull my pants up.
This all took less than 2 minutes. My butt was burning…not even close to how hard we have done but definitely got my attitude in the right direction. We did a quick hug and headed back upstairs. While getting ice I always inspect the damage to make sure nothing serious happened and I was shocked at how red I was. Anyway, got ice and sat down. We discussed that it did help me to relax and feel better…although I did include I thought it was more than needed…she agreed but she was very matter- of-fact…it is what it is.
I hope you all have a good week and next time I will try to discuss more on our specific punishments and the psychology behind them and the arsenal…I mean implement collection.