I don’t have a lot to say other then reonizing how badly I want junk right now. Sugar anything really. Even craving cheeeeze... ugh. This craving seemingly came out of nowhere
I read in the Whole30 it is normally day 10&11 which people quit. I’m realizing why today... I think what makes it harder is I’m not feeling well and I’d love just some crackers to make my tummy better, but then I’d have to start over at day 1...I also don’t want to face the consequences or guilt of giving up
I don’t want to go backwards.... I don’t want to give in ... but * quitting sugar is hard.
Focusing on why I’m doing this..
Today I woke up sluggish and unmotivated. Then I something else stressful happened and cravings hit hard. I mean hard, I was ready to throw in the towel - the stress was triggering my habit of self soothing with food. Plus the tension in my body just added up. I am thankful to know where I can turn in the time of need. I got a stress relief spanking from one person and tough love/encouragement from another. My bottom hurts to sit, but I'm making good decisions, not self-sabotaging and motivated again to stick with it. I needed this today.
This makes me so much more aware of how I have used junk food to sooth myself in stress. I hope next time when a craving hits from stress I can face it head on without needing the extra help. For now I will take today as a win. I am succeeding ... and sore!
I am realizing sometimes all that is needed is someone to believe in you. Believe that you can achieve something and encourage you to talk positive about actually achieving it. Positive self talk is not something I've done well at consistently. When I have done it, I found it helped. I attempted positive self talk yesterday, but it was so mixed in with the fear of failure and worry...
Today I was told by my ER that worry is just a fantasy (something that hasn't happened). This way of viewing worry struck me deeply. It's sticking with me.
Later in the conversation I mentioned (in different words) how I give up easily. My er's response was, "if you want to give up something, give up on worrying"...
So today i'm going to try again this positive self talk without fantasizing about failure, something which hasn't happened.
I am succeeding. I am accomplishing this. I will do this.
Tomorrow I embark a journey which I am nervous for and afraid to fail-
I will be beginning a new eating plan for 30 days. The goal for me is to focus on my health and habits. By the end I will slowly add foods back in, which will help me figure out what food items trigger my health issues. In this I will have to completely change the way I've eaten for my entire life. The major area is with sugar- I will have zero sugar for these days... I've attempted to go without sweets, treats and such before and always failed (my own choosing I know and have had quote the sore bottom for it). But this time- I won't even have ketchup with sugar in it or bacon with sugar or anything... bread... anything at all. This is only one of the rules and if I slip up on any of the rules I will have to start all over at day 1.
The thought of slipping up, makes me nervous. I'm attempting to not think about the idea of failing, because really all it comes down to is me making purposeful, mindful choices. No more excuses.
I have a list of all the reasons why I am doing this- one of the main things which pushed me to fully committing to this, is my husband pointed out I am about 70% disabled... that was hard to hear, I knew I needed to try something more, anything to regain my health. So here I am facing my eating habits, sugar addiction and health issues head on.
These next two weeks will be the hardest of the 30 days. I'm not in this halfway, but I'm fully committed.
I have always been afraid of failure - but this time it's not a fear of getting in spanked or other forms of discipline. It's because I want my health back and well..starting over at day 1 sounds awful! I'm choosing not to fail. I will succeed for 30 days with the Whole30 plan and the reintroduction plan.
This is me choosing to be disciplined. Internally.
I think my mantra may be purposeful & mindful choices
I might be the only one who feels this way but my heart just sinks when I log into the forums here on spankingneeds and see somebody new says something that can be summarized as this:
Young female, desperate, needs to be spanked, I live here, contact me.
Now assuming the post is real, and some of them are, it is followed by a stream of good and well-meaning people saying SLOW DOWN! However, when you go to the individual's profile you will see a list of men who have checked the profile and likely some have sent a PM. Now while this does not seem bad, many of the men who checked the profile have zero posts or community interactions. I am not saying lurkers are bad but in this case, it is suspicious. I am sure our admins also perk up in this situation.
But my heart sinks. A vulnerable person just advertised to some good and some not so good people they were vulnerable and willing to take a chance. I work with a lot with manipulative people in DC and in corporate America....and if needed I can play with the best of them. I know I could manipulate the situation to where I could gain trust and then violate that trust. I don't, but I am sure others on the web do.
So please be safe out there. Take your time. Slow down. I get desperate too. If you read some of my other posts I am no saint. I know what it is like to become irrational and "act out" or just want something so bad safety does not matter. But all that did was get me in trouble. Don't make decisions out of fear, anxiety, manipulation, or a drive to do something at all costs. There are good men and women on here that will spank you. But the good ones will take time to get to know you, they will normally be active in the community, and they will help you - NOT HARM YOU.
I also feel that in light of all the news coverage here in the US and even on this site. If you are assaulted speak up. I understand the legalities may not be in your favor, unfortunately, but if nothing else it is a warning to others. Even if it is just a PM to the admins, a few people you trust, or one person to speak for you. Please say something to somebody. Those of us who see spanking as more than a selfish interaction for ourselves will back you and be supportive. Please speak up to somebody honestly and truthfully. If you get really desperate PM me and I will listen.
RESPECT - ok, I have been accused of being a smart @$$ more than once in my life. But I can guarantee you that as a person I respect you. Many people on this site are the same way. When engaging a new ER or setting up a session make sure they respect you. Don't compromise because you are desperate. You do not want to end up in a situation where you are desperate for something from somebody who does not respect you.
For all the guys out there (sorry if I sound sexist but I am going with the most common case) - Respect and help people who are desperate. There is a song out right now in the Country genre about "taking a drunk girl home". Take a minute and listen to it. If you are a good ER and not just wanting to do something because you watched too much spanking porn, take care of the EEs out there. Especially the ladies, HAVE RESPECT. Make sure you are in this for the right reasons.
Ok – Rant over.
How We Met
Daddy and I met online, via a spanking website, a year and a half ago. Neither of us were seeking a relationship at the time.. I was wanting a disciplinarian and he was looking for friends. I had recently discovered domestic discipline and knew this was what I wanted for my relationship, but many of the men I had met seemed only interested in sex. I wanted more than that, I wanted loving discipline.. I wanted the lifestyle. And one day the perfect man sent me a message that caught my eye. The next night, we spent 5 hours talking on the phone and I knew he was special. I admired him.. talking to him made me feel confident and strong. He gave me hope for the future when I was going through some of the hardest days of my adult life.There was only one problem with him........ he lived 1,000 miles away.
It wasn't even two weeks before my first punishment took place. Daddy ordered a special paddle online and had it sent to my local retail store. This was my first implement.. and I was being sent to pick it up. My instructions were clear.. to go up to customer service and tell the worker my name and that I was there to pick up the "paddle" I'd ordered online.. It was SO embarrassing for me and really was the beginning of the domestic discipline life as I know it.
For the next 3 months, we proceeded to talk on the phone for hours every single night. We video chatted every single week.. And then we decided it was time to meet for real. He got on a plane and stayed with me for a weekend. In those two days I learned that this was the man for me and I wanted to be with him every day.
For the next 10 months, Daddy and I continued to talk every single day. We visited each other across the country a few more times.
In July of 2018 we decided it was time to live the life we both wanted...together. So I left my hometown in the Midwest to become a southern girl! It's now been two months of living together and although things haven't always been easy adjusting to all the changes, we are both so grateful for what has become of our lives.
So that's how it began!
Who We Are
We practice domestic discipline in our relationship. As you may have noticed, I refer to my partner as Daddy. I realize there's some controversy over that title sometimes but it works for us and our dynamic. Our age difference is pretty significant, and he takes a paternal role with me often. Also as a side note, living in the south I have heard several women refer to their husbands as daddy and I don't even think they practice DD, it's just how they speak. That was interesting to me as in the Midwest it would be considered odd. In public I don't call him daddy, but I am expected to say yes and no sir wherever we go.
Domestic discipline seems to look a little different for everyone.. so here is how our lifestyle works. I currently stay home since I haven't established work here yet. Daddy works during the week and so I am expected to do my chores around the house while he's away. We do not have rules written out but there are some general expectations I live by.. I am expected to:
Be respectful to Daddy, myself, and others
Follow directions and do what I am told the first time
Always be honest
These "rules" generally cover most of my misbehavior. Daddy is lenient with me as far as cursing, I am allowed to do it but never in a disrespectful way. He is also understanding of when I am sick or not feeling emotionally well, he allows me some slack on my chores. He always says, "I am firm, but fair" and I agree with that. He is always fair with me but holds me to a standard and doesn't let me be less than I can be.
If I don't follow the rules, I have consequences. A spanking is almost always the result of a misbehavior in our house, they typically start over my clothes and end on my bare bottom. The implement depends on what I've done but the belt and paddle are Daddy's favorites when I really need to learn a lesson. Spankings are given in a variety of positions, typically bent over the couch or over his knee. But when I have been particularly bad he might put me in a more exposing position like with my legs up. Usually a spanking is followed by a time out with my pants and panties down, sometimes I am left in the spanking position and other times I have to stand with my nose against the wall. Daddy has threatened to wash my mouth out with soap a few times, but I've been lucky to have not gotten that punishment yet. He also makes me write sentences occasionally and that's my least favorite to do.. When I get in trouble I sometimes get privilages taken away. Often this means I lose my panties until Daddy decides I've earned them back, but he has made it clear that other things can be taken away too.
Every punishment is dealt out with complete love and patience. Daddy is always calm and level headed when he disciplines me, and is sure to explain and talk to me about what I did to get there. He kisses and hugs me afterwards and all is forgiven. I am spoiled every single day with love and affection.. I am respected more than I ever knew I could be.
We are always open to questions about our lifestyle and are in no way experts on the topic.. this is just what works for us and makes us HAPPY
This subject keeps coming up so I will put my thoughts out there. Feel free to not agree but please do make sure you read how I use terms to avoid fights to don't need to happen.
First let us define terms as I will use them:
Domestic Discipline – The husband or wife disciplines the other in the context of their marriage, may include physical and non-physical discipline. I will not be covering cases where a marriage commitment has not been made as it will contain too many variations and by very definition not part of the Christian moral standard.
Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD) – Domestic discipline using the teachings of Christianity as the primary reason.
Christianity – A monotheistic religion where God became man in the form of Christ for the redemption of man. The basic elements are exposed in the ancient apostle’s creed.
Scripture – The “Bible” (the book) that is believed to contain revelation of the Christian God. What is included in scripture can vary (no divinely inspired table of contents exists) but at a minimum the post-1500 protestant version (most common in the United States) and at most the Roman Rite or Eastern Rite version (more common accepted historically and outside the United States).
Discipline – To teach or instruct for the benefit of the one receiving to make them a “learner”. Derived from the word disciple which is a follower or used in the Greek as a learner.
Question: “Is CDD supported Biblically”?
In the strictest sense no, not explicitly. No where in scripture can you find where husbands or wives are called to discipline one another. However, there are calls for spouses to love, sanctify, and support one another. Additionally, neither spouse “owns” their own body (1 Cor 7:4). Christ even points out they become “one flesh” in Matthew echoing Genesis 2 and is a thread in several verses talking about marriage. If you apply what Paul says in Roman 12: 1-2 all Christians are to offer their bodies be a living sacrifice holy and pleasing to God, so how much more in a marriage where the two are one flesh. But here we need to stop and discuss submission in the Christian context.
First and fore most submission comes from the one submitting. If it comes from the other party, it is oppression. We submit to God, we submit to the Church (or should), we submit to one another, we don’t force others into submission. This is where many run afoul in the interpretation of Ephesians 5 “wives submit to your husbands”. It is used by husbands and other men to force women into roles they do not voluntarily assume. I have even seen it reach the point that women are expected to submit to any man and it be argued that a woman should not resist being raped because she should submit. If it does not come willingly without manipulation, threats or coercion, it is not submission.
A recent example of the misuse of “Christian” submission was by the US attorney general. He stated that the government has the authority to make immigrants submit because they should submit to government authorities (I am paraphrasing). Regardless of how you line up on the immigration issue this is a misuse of the biblical concept of submission.
Another discussion, which I intend to write another post on, is when men want or need to submit to discipline of their wives. Using Ephesians 5 as commonly used it would not be acceptable for a man to submit to his wife. But we will explore that later.
Goal of CDD?
I think a lot of why one could do CDD has to do with the goal and intent of CDD. First, I don’t like the term CDD itself because it invokes preconceived notions that people have used to justify a host of behavior that much of is not Christian. But for the sake of simplicity I will continue to use the term as we have defined. However, if somebody has a better term I am all ears.
For it to be “Christian” is should orientate itself toward Christ. As Christians we were given a commission in Matthew 28 to spread the message of Christ. This is the primary mission of any Christian and the church universal. James goes on to explain that our faith and works need to be compatible for this mission to be successful for us and to allow Christ to work through us to be ministers to others. This is both positive (good) works and negative (bad) works. Through the power of the Holy Spirit we should grow in the good and decrease in the bad in an outwardly noticeable way to others. Unfortunate, for most today the fights of the protestant reformation have completely warped our understanding of this. Many protestants ascribe to the “Faith Alone” (sola fide) doctrine that only faith is required for salvation. This was not the interpretation for 1500 years and is still not the doctrine of most Christians. When reading James 2:24 for example “faith and works” are required. Many will create a false dichotomy and say, “do you believe you are saved by faith or works” and the new testament clearly says “both”. (A digression I recently read an article on a major protestant minister lamenting how so many of his denomination don’t connect their day to day lives to their faith but sticks to only faith needed. To me is argument is self-proving as to why). Additionally, there are so many Protestant positions on this subject being able to use it for further argument would be pointless and confusing. If you are a Christian that has a variation of the faith alone belief, then I am not sure an argument for or against CDD matters. You are told to not “sin” but given only distinct lines. However, the more prominent historical idea is “economy of salvation” where you grow and change in salvation daily through the power of the holy spirit.
For those willing to look at this historical understanding still held by most today it becomes more nuanced. First, the early Church had a debate on the body versus the soul. It related first to if “Christ was God or Man” which is critical to the message he left his disciples with. The Church decided the authoritative interpretation would be “Jesus was fully God and fully Man”. I will spare you the Greek involved but his divinity and body were fully in union yet distinct. This was then expanded to each Christian by saying that if a believer has Christ in him his body and soul must be fully united yet distinct (I grossly paraphrased this argument of which books have been written on). This understanding was contrary to the pagan belief that the body was “dirty” or “the source of sin” and made it something to be taken care of and have respect. The body is as much of being a Christian as the soul. This was further expounded on when monks began the practice of “the discipline” and other deprivations of the body in order to tame the body.
Since both the body and soul make the person and the person strives to be like Chirst (John Paul II on this subject of “Theology of the Body” is excellent), both the body and soul must be subject to the whole person. When the person is a prisoner or subject to the desires of their body they are a slave and become hedonistic. Throughout the course of Christianity methods to control the body have been used. The first and fore most is fasting. This method is one that is supported by just about any Christian but rarely practiced. But research now even shows that reasonable physical fasting does positively affect both the physical and psychological being of a person. Science has yet to figure out how to measure the spiritual accurately. Other methods of alms giving, prayer, etc. are also common in most branches of Christianity.
Not long after Christ, bodily discipline was starting to be used. Paul would discipline or “pummel” his body in 1 Cor 9:27 so as not to lose his “reward” is a biblical example. This continued as wide spread within Christianity till recently as broader sociological changes (influenced by Freud) made it more socially unacceptable. Part of this is due to our bodies, health, and long life becoming out God’s and not the mission the we were put here for. However, we don’t question ultra-marathon runners, body builders, or athletes in the choices they make and are extoled for their self-discipline, sacrifice and endurance of pain. How is that different?
Following Paul there was debate on the more extreme use of self-depravation and discipline. You are not any good to the mission of Christ if you starve to death or beat yourself to where you are bed ridden. Moderation was called for depending on one’s station and obligations.
Let us stop and make a distinction. Doing this for spiritual growth or to tame the body so you can focus more on the mission of Christ is NOT THE SAME THING as seeing a pornographic video and wanting to act it out with your wife. IT IS NOT for your sexual pleasure at another’s expense! I am speaking of helping one another for the sake of Christianity not your own hedonistic selfishness.
So, let us take this up a level. Like the body and soul, the husband and wife come into union with each other and become one. Therefore, the Christians, especially the Catholic Church, take a high view of marriage. It is more than two people deciding to live together and legally share resources. It is a holy union reflective of the union of Christ to man through the Church. It is no small matter.
Now applying this to spouses. Can a one spouse discipline another? I believe so. If we can “self-discipline” then at the request of the submitting party, then a spouse helping is likely entirely appropriate. But let me caveat with this. It needs to be things for which you need to change to make the kingdom of God stronger and assist the submitting party to heaven. If a wife forgets to sweep the floor that does not seem to fit the bill, but if the husband is looking at pornography and desires to quit, that would. But it should also not interfere with the mission also. If it brings phycological distress or physical harm to the point you cannot fulfill your obligations it does not fit. If it is being used to help with disorders, then maybe with professional advice. It all depends on the husband and wife, the situation, strength of the marriage, and other factors involved.
Some words of advice. If you are the submitter talk, talk, and talk some more with your spouse and an outside spiritual advisor or at least this forum. If you desire to punish or correct your spouse, then just stop and back up. This is not about power or them being who you want them to be but about the one in the role of submission improving their lives for God, NOT YOU. But please stop using random biblical references to justify the subjection (not submission) of women.
Anyway, this is long enough with enough partial thoughts. I am open to thoughts and complaints. I have thick skin.
So it has been a couple weeks. After a few distractions; no phone (internet) punishments, playing “King of Thieves” with my son (we are looking for guild members if anybody else plays), and some intense work travel I am finally back to getting something done.
I had several things planned to blog about but since most of you all want a blog post and not a book I will focus on only one. Although I have already started my next one.
So every couple has struggled. Incorporating discipline into the relationship helps in some areas but adds challenges in others. A couple weeks ago was one such situation. What do you do as the bottom when the top misunderstands or “gets it wrong”? Especially when the top would be happy to stop at any time.
So here is the scenario. I was traveling for work doing what I hate…working a tradeshow floor trying to make existing and future clients happy. I am a technical guy who has moved up the ranks, not a sales guy. Just not my favorite thing to do, but I can work a room and do it well so I “get” to do it. Mentally this is very trying for me. Add to that the fact I don’t stand all day normally and after a couple days my ankles, knees, back…the whole body just hurts.
During this trip we reinforced certain rules I would struggle with. That main one is I am not allowed to maneuver myself physically to get a better view of a woman (first looks are fine as long as I don’t dwell since that is not preventable). Women in business suits or skirts are my weakness and this room was full of them for a week. While most of my male colleagues make a spectator sport out of getting the best views possible, I have made the decision that it is inappropriate, immoral, and disrespectful. My wife helps to reinforce this. I am required to confess instances where it went beyond a first look and had a second look or moving to get an even better view.
For those that are not in the tradeshow industry, professional skirts are in style along with bar stool height stools. Every guy has already done the math but for those not following along it is easy then to find women skirts to look up and they were everywhere. I spent most of the day consciously saying to myself don’t look and literally clenching my teeth. Huge mental toll.
Overall, I did well. Only three instances all week worthy of a confession. For each, my wife assigned some kind of punishment. She tries to make the punishment fit the crime and during travel it is hard. One was no sugars or grains (i.e. wheat) for about 36 hours. All our snacks on the floor became ineligible and I did not have time to run to the store. So the punishment was much harder than she anticipated combined with the mental state I was in…I ended up not accepting the punishment gracefully. After several complaints, any further punishment waited till I got home except one which was unrelated.
This complaining caused issues with her. She was second guessing herself and ready to tell me that we would have to take a break because me complaining while she was taking care of everything at home while I was gone was too much. Fortunately, I had a long plane flight to think about things and anticipated her thoughts (read her mind for once).
First off she admitted she got it wrong after the fact and was more severe than we normally would have in the situation. During my flight, I had time to organize my thoughts and write a short letter where I apologized for my complaining and expressed how much this process means to me. I also bought some flowers on the drive home.
Since we both agree on the process and respecting it is important I offered to receive a spanking and an additional punishment. She agreed and was happy I owned up to everything without her having to bring it up and the letter calmed her fears and anxiety.
Fast forward to later that night after the kids were in bed. I will say upfront the spanking was not near as bad as I expected, but she really hammered home a few points. First, she made me stand for the first part of the spanking where I could look her in the eye when responding to her “questions” about the situation. That was unpleasant. After enough swats to get me sore she said to bend over. While bent over using “the oar” (long thick mixing spoon for a large kettle) she made me say “We do this by my choice” “This is a result of the choices I made”. After several more implements and swats, she had me go to my knees and left me there while she showered and got ready for bed. Afterward, she came back down and let me know I had 5 one-hour timeouts, one each in the morning for 5 days before everybody was up. So getting up early and timeouts.
After all that we now have a way for how do we resolve when she gets it wrong. I can express my thoughts but if I start to complain, she gives one warning. If I continue we are paused on the process for a while. But I can give feedback after the punishment is complete. But the bottom line is I get the punishment I get and even if she is wrong I suck it up and deal with it. I made the mistake not her.
Keep in mind this is my wife and we are in a long-term committed relationship. I would maybe change things up if it was somebody else and this happened on a recurring basis.
I am interested in how others deal with the situation when the top/spanker/mentor overcorrects.
How to get my spouse to spank or get spanked by me?
This question seems to come up a lot. It has been discussed ad nauseum with a variety of differing opinions. Over the years I have read much of this advice and I know what worked for us. In this first post on the subject, I am going to cover some broad strokes on the issue and hopefully help somebody move ahead on this.
First, I will only be covering spouses and discussing with the assumption the couple is married and in a committed relationship to each other. I will also be biased to a male opinion for obvious reasons but will do my best to balance where I feel I have at least a clue about the ladies of the world. I am also biased by my experiences but some of the items I will bring up are universal to all relationships.
Does your spouse even know that you want this? I remember the first time I told my wife when we were engaged that spanking was a topic to discuss. I was nervous, it was hard, and thankfully she listened. But this begs a bigger question, “How well do you and your spouse communicate in the first place?”
Regardless if the subject is spanking, new car, kids, job, money, etc., can you and your spouse discuss a critical issue that leads to a productive result? Most couples cannot for many reasons. I recently had a conversation on a non-spanking subject where the gentleman considered a topic a simple matter while his spouse considered it a major emotional issue. It has since swelled to a major rift in the relationship. After discussing it with him the actual topic is not the issue. The issue is they have never learned how to disagree on an emotional subject and come out the other side with a resolution, way ahead, or a framework to continue the discussion without drama, blame, guilt…etc. So before you bring up the subject consider your spouse's reaction and if you all can make it a productive conversation? Consider their thoughts on the issue beforehand and be honest about how it might affect them and the emotional reaction. Keep in mind that for you this subject may be a need they don’t have and have preconceived notions (odd sexual fantasy) on the subject that solicits a very emotional reaction.
So my recommendation is before considering bringing the subject up, learn how to communicate with your spouse. This will help you in not only this area but also in many other areas in your relationship. For the guys, your wife will love all that talking in most cases…ladies you have a tougher nut to crack. But I will cover that in my next to post…the secret to a man's heart…if you have not figured it out already.
2. Don’t lie, manipulate, cheat, sneak around..etc.
Some of the worst advice I have seen on the internet is “find somebody else who will do it”...NO!!!! Not unless your spouse is 100% on board with zero doubt. Then proceed with much caution.
Let me explain for those that it is not obvious for. If this need is so strong that you are willing to do this no matter what, then this subject is something very profound and intimate for you that your spouse needs to be on board with. Likewise, many spouses would view this as a sexual act if they have no other context and would consider it cheating. Just don’t do it.
“But my spouse would never agree” – If you have tried all other avenues with your spouse (talking, counseling, education, etc.) and they still refuse you may just have to wait it out. It took 10 years in my case. Maybe later I will make an attempt to explain to spouses what this is all about. At the end of the day, your marriage is more important than this need. If you have to, work on your marriage first, then fulfilling this need.
3. Your spouse is not your personal porn star
I know this does not apply to all but it does apply to many. This is more for the guys out there but it may apply to some of you ladies. Your spouse is a human person with dignity and deserves your respect. But in some case, you sit around watching spanking videos, porn, and other images to satisfy some craving. Slowly over time, the urge becomes more urgent and you want this more and more. However, you live in the real world.
I hear many suggest “Show your spouse some of your favorite videos” and give them ideas. Unless you have already discussed the subject and have a very mature relationship, do not do this. Most spouses (ladies especially) are consciously or sub-consciously worried about the approval and acceptance of their spouse. You want your spouse to accept you for who you are right? Why should you expect less of them? The person on the video is not them but, in their eyes, you are asking them to be the person on the screen and not who they already are. I cannot think of a deeper insult to a spouse outside of physically cheating on them. Don’t do it.
My suggestion: For three months before you engage your spouse on wanting to spank you, dry out. If you are watching any type of pornography, videos, etc. STOP. Let your brain clear itself. This will help you to understand why you want this and not a conditioned response in your head to artificial stimuli. During this time I suggest not masturbating either…this will further clear the head. Focus on your spouse for all your sexual desires. “But he/she cannot keep up with my appetite”…then treat them like royalty. Make them want to please you because you do the dishes, buy flowers, make their favorite meal, bring him a beer while he is watching the game, etc. If you don’t know what your spouse likes and what gets them going, now is the time to find out. You cannot get until you give.
“I don’t have a problem in this area, I don’t need to do this” – Then it should be no problem to give it a try. You want your spouse to engage with you right? Is this not worth it? How bad do you really want this?
4. Know what you need and want first:
This will be the last one till next week. You cannot communicate to your spouse what you want till you know it first. Spend some quality time with yourself (see 3 above on clearing your head). Think long and hard and maybe even seek help on what you want and why. I have a very simple reason why. That is going to be the first question your spouse asks you when you tell them. So you might as well make it part of telling them.
Any salesperson, pastor, leader, or person of influence will tell you that people won’t buy, believe in or follow somebody who is lost themselves. Discovering for yourself could also help you to better understand other aspects of your life. Seek counseling if you need to.
If you cannot figure it out at some level then here is a little trick you might try if all else fails. Don’t ask your spouse to do anything but simply explain you have these desires and as somebody, you trust you would like them to work through it with them and discuss it with you. Don’t demand and don’t manipulate, but use the subject to draw you closer together. Chances are your spouse already knows something is up but they just don’t know what. Use the subject to learn more about each other and yourself…then if the opportunity presents itself you can then ask them to “play along”.
So I am not sure if this is good or bad advice but is what I have. If you have better advice or disagree the comment box is below, have at it. I will continue next week provided a mob does not come after me.
I was trying to figure out the best way to structure this post, and as life would have it I have received two spankings for different reasons since the last post and have a third one coming tonight. So let’s just explore these specific spankings.
So we generally only spank for punishment right now. We can for stress relief but our current agreement is it may be as hard as a punishment. Right now all spankings hurt…no trips into any type of subspace planned. However, we have this category for when I am experiencing anger and strong emotions to use a spanking as a reset button. Even if my behavior does not get out of line, which is a punishment, (yelling, stomping, slamming…etc.) she can decide or I can initiate a spanking. The two so far this week has been for this but under different circumstances.
About two days after the last post I was having a bad day. I would get upset…and calm down…get upset and calm down. I had a few self-imposed timeouts, went for a run, had a drink, but just kept ending up in the same place. Additionally, I should have been in a good mood since my wife made it clear she wanted to have sex that night. So I got frustrated that I was frustrated and ruining that….see the spiral downward here. My cortisol levels jumped and my arms became painful. But during all of this, I managed not to cross our established limits and receive a punishment. However, that did not save me ?.
After we got the kids settled I was sitting in my recliner in a bad mood. Up to this point, I have not communicated why I was in a bad mood to my wife. She walked up to me and plainly said: “You can explain to me what is going on or get spanked, or maybe both”. I actually did not want to get spanked at that point, which is rare but it does happen. So I explained my day to her and what was bothering me and talked for about 2-3 minutes. She acknowledged it and said, “let's go downstairs”. I was not happy and actually pouted and whined once “I told you so I might not get spanked”. She just said grabbed my hand and said: “come on”. She walked me downstairs and grabbed a stack of implements and told me to get on all fours (on the futon we have). Since this was not a punishment starting out on all fours shocked me and I hesitated (also I did not want the spanking). She just firmly said “all fours” again. I got down and the Lexan paddle began. After about 10-20 swats she pulled my pants down and began with the strap…then the Lexan cane (my mortal enemy). Usually, this is a “grand finale” so I endured. When she stopped she said “slide down and get over my knee” ?….here I will deviate from the story and come back.
My wife has been a “distant” spanker till that moment. We did one time lay across her lap, but that was it. The only other contact is a hand on my back if I start to move. So I not only thought the spanking was about to be over…we were trying something new. So the head did not want a spanking it thought was over but curious about what was happening….so now the rest of the story.
So I slid down and got on my knees, she had one leg on the futon that I leaned over and rested the top (In hindsight it should have been the other leg so she could swing better with her dominant hand). She picked up the wooden paddle and started swinging. I could tell these were not full force but after that stupid cane, it still hurt. After 15 or so swats she switched to an olive wood spoon and worked back and forth for several swats. When she finally stopped she told me to stand up and bend over…what!?
I did (slowly) and she proceeded to use the strap and Lexan paddle again. I should mention during this whole time she would ask if I had anything else to say in order to get it off my mind. She then finally said I was done and to pull up my pants. She then sat down and we cuddled.
So here is the bigger story. Till recently my wife rarely initiated a spanking. But in our discussions, we have found when I get in those moods and start to spiral even though I am trying other means, a spanking is a go-to reset. Why? Some of it is hormones. My cortisol and adrenaline mess with my anxiety and a spanking releases different hormones. Some of it knowing she has my back and is trying to help me. It a strange way one of the ways my wife can show me she loves me the most is to spank me when I need it, even if I don’t want it. I am willing to bet she still does not understand it but knows it works. Either way knowing somebody is helping and sacrificing for me means a lot. On top of that, she is now initiating more and trying new positions. Which the following day we discussed technique on.
The spanking worked. I was in a much better mood and after I had calmed down and got settled with some ice she then got what she wanted that evening….but that is for a different type of forum. We did sit down and review and discuss the next day. We discussed why she initiated it and I discussed how I felt about it and in hindsight, she made the right decision.
So the second spanking last night was not as eventful. Two nights ago I was having a bad night but I have improved in not acting out those emotions in a negative manner. But they were still there. My wife even saw this and gave me a choice of a spanking or trying to watch a show to calm down. In these moods, I don’t want a spanking and have trouble asking. So we watched an episode of Star Trek: TNG. It did not really calm me but I went to bed and the next morning had arranged to sleep in. Well the 6-year-old decided to sleep in was not an option and I had other various things throughout the day that compounded my bad mood. So per a previous post, either one of us could leave a back scratcher on the dresser and it meant a spanking was going to happen. After a couple attempts to get it out I finally did and left it there. We continued through the day and after a dramatic bedtime by our two years old she came down and simply asked: “So what's going on”. I explained a couple of different things and she said “ok” and asked about how intense it should be and I let her know I would accept whatever she decided. So she said let's go ahead and “go downstairs”.
When we got there she said to “lay down”, which I did. She started with the Lexan paddle full force then moved to the wood one. She then lowered my pants and got the Lexan cane out but it was not full force ?. She finished using the olive wood spoon and then the Lexan paddle again a …full force. She then said I was done and we did a quick hug. This was much less than previous and during the spanking, she made a point that she was proud of me for taking the initiative to do this so I could continue to progress.
To summarize, if I initiate the spanking is sufficient, if she has to initiate it will be more than sufficient. We have not talked much about this yet but probably will over the next few days. I am interested in others thoughts on this. While I prefer her to initiate I also don’t like the thrashing I get when she does…it might as well be a punishment spanking. But it does seem fair. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Tonight will be different. I broke one of our rules this morning. So I am slated for a 2 minute continuous spanking with the implement of her choice…on a bottom that got spanked last night. We shall see how well I take this. I would also like to note that during this time one other rule was broken but “only” assigned 4 days of cold showers.
I hopefully with the holiday week be able to post again this week. If you would like me to focus on anything specific let me know.
So evidently people read what I am writing. Not sure why sometimes but it gives me a creative outlet so let’s dive in.
Last entry we covered some of the histories of how we got where we are today. I will continue with that same line but through the lens of our process and my psychology. We will finish with a description of the spanking I got last night and why.
The process is fairly simple and is as follows:
1. Confess the deed or get called out
2. Discussion and Judgement
Confessing or Getting Called Out:
This is exactly what it sounds like. I confess when I broke a rule or think I might have to get her decision. When I am home I have one day to confess and when traveling I have two days unless it is not possible. If I don’t confess in that time frame things get worse when I do. This rule was put into place so I don’t drag my feet and start an internal drama with myself making all those around me miserable also. I really do desire to change the actions we punish for and it creates a level of guilt or anxiety when I fail again. This will many times cause me to lie more….creating an even bigger problem. So the quicker the better.
It is not easy to confess. Less because a punishment is coming but more due to I know my wife is invested in this with me and wants to see me do better. So it makes it hard to admit I failed…again. Also, part of my childhood comes into play. My wife and former therapist both alluded to my childhood as abusive without ever saying the word since they know I don’t entirely agree. However, we did settle on the word “harsh” to describe it. So much so I developed a habit of lying in a very convincing manner and became a master manipulator. It got so bad that even as an adult I could get out of any situation and had 0 accountability to anybody or anything. So going from that to confessing (even though I am now a grown man) is very hard and psychologically and emotionally part of the process.
The confession usually includes not only what happened but some of my mindset and any extenuating circumstances. Depending on the situation it could immediately go to step 2 and get a judgment (straightforward and not much to discuss) or we discuss it for a couple days to fully understand.
Getting called out is something newer we are doing. We recently added my “attitude” to the list. Mostly to help with anger but in a “non-punishment” way we also use it for when I get down or depressed. The spanking from last night is an example and will be discussed at the end of the article. But I get called out when I need my “reset” button hit and I am too moody to ask. We do this two ways…she tells me or we have a back scratcher in our bedroom that gets left on my dresser as an indication to straighten up because we will be spanking after the kids are in bed. I can also put it out…but have yet to do so. Since this is new I will let you all know how it is going. But it took my wife less than 24 hours to use it.
Discussion and Judgement
This part of the process is a bundle of emotions for me. I am an INTJ on the Briggs-Myer assessment. Which means I am a very thoughtful introvert. Explaining my emotions and behaviors is not high on the list of things to do. However, it does help me and helps her a lot to further explain the what, when, where, and why and have her ask hard questions helps me to process. I don’t mind doing this to somebody else, but I get nervous, laugh, joke, get silent…all sorts of things.
For the most part, I just want it to be over with and move on to the punishment. It has to start so it can be over…one thing I hate is after the discussion her saying “I need to think about it more”…Ahhhhh!! This usually also means the punishment will “fit” the crime. If it is sexual – Cold Showers, if it is lying at work – I use my standing desk all day at work, if it is lying/storytelling while out drinking – no drinking for a few days/week…and so on. She is not thinking about it but more customizing the punishment. This is not often but drives me crazy. Which is a tool she uses to make this more real.
So I will write in more detail on this in its own post. But over the past year, we have developed a list we share as a Google Drive document that outlines mild to severe punishments and how each rank. For example, no drinking for 1-2 days is very mild, no drinking for 1 week or more is more severe. For spanking, a mild is a few quick spots (more of a reminder) and a severe is 15 to 20 minutes after a hot shower. Which she can then combine and customize based on the situation (am I traveling, what does the family schedule look like, etc.). She tries to make sure the punishment does not affect others as a second order effect…so I end up with a lot of cold showers when I travel.
Whatever the punishment I am expected to submit, keep up with it myself, and self-report any violation of not following through…which is automatically an additional severe punishment. In general, she does not expect to have to babysit the punishment. This is for me so I need to follow through. She does check in on me if the punishment is longer or new but that is to make sure it helps me and does not cause issues outside of the punishment itself.
During the punishment, my mental state can vary. Sometimes I am relieved that a “penance” has started and will soon be able to close the issue. Other times it is agony. Specifically on longer punishments meant to hurt more in that area. I can usually stay in decent spirits but it is sometimes hard. But as long as I don’t get depressed I tough it out, accept it, and get it over with. To be honest I sometimes prefer a spanking since it has a quicker path to the being done.
This step can vary. At a minimum we validate to each other it is over and done. Sometimes we going into how it affected me, feedback, etc. On a spanking, there is usually a hug afterward and the next day feedback on anything that needs to be discussed (i.e Don’t use the paddle when I am on all fours because it hurts my back).
This step can be powerful and something we need to work on. Making sure there is a recap and a mutual understanding of what happened and if it affects anything going forward saves from having issues in the future.
I planned on being more detailed but this is getting long and will get into the psychology and history of it more in the future. I am interested in any questions you might have or specifics you might want me to include in the future.
GETTING SPANKED LAST NIGHT:
So we have spanked for some time to help me “reset” emotionally when I get in a rut, get upset, etc. But we always had the issue of when I am in that mood it is really hard for me to say “I need a spanking”. They do hurt and emotionally even though I know it will help I just can’t say it sometimes.
We now have a new process. If she thinks I am starting to get upset, am upset, in a rut, angry, etc., she can either tells me I am getting spanked or put out the backscratcher (see above for those that skimmed and skipped it).
So I watched the kids most of the day yesterday while she visited family. It was a long day at the park, kids complaining, rain…fun stuff of parenthood. When she got home I was ok but needed a break. I took some time but towards dinner, the slightest things were starting to annoy me and she could tell I was starting to get upset. After making dinner I walked into the bedroom and there was the backscratcher on my dresser. Well, that was that. We continued the bedtime routine and got the kids in bed and I sat on the couch with some tea till she finally came in.
She smiled and sat next to me and said (paraphrased), “So we are doing a spanking. It is not a punishment but I could tell you were getting upset and we have a busy week and I know it will help you get your week started. It will just be a quick one”. I said something snarky like “took you less than 24 hours to use the backscratcher” which she just said “we discussed me taking more initiative”…which I agreed she was doing what we discussed. Part of me was glad since this was a step in a better direction for me.
We have to wait till we KNOW the kids are asleep. Which I get more anxious with each passing minute. Finally, I said can we go ahead and get this over with. She told me to go to the “Office” (see previous post) and pick three implements and pull my pants down. Which I did. I don’t like picking the implements…but that is why she does it. I picked the wooden spoon, a leather strap, and a wooden paddle. I expected to be bent over touching the couch (equivalent to hands-on-knees) and these three would be the least painful because of the swing range and the fact she always swings the wood paddle slower than the Lexan paddle. Since it was not a punishment I also only expected half swings.
She came down as I was pulling down my pajama pants and told me to bend over (right so far). She started with the leather strap. While they were not full swings I knew that this was still going to hurt pretty quick. She did about 10 quick swats with it and got my knees buckling a little. She then quietly got the wooden spoon and forgot where my butt was and started working on my upper thigh. She probably thought I chose the wooden spoon because it is less lethal and decided to make sure it still had an impact. She eventually made it up to my sit spot and stayed there for about 20 or so swats. That part is still sore as I sit here.
Now this made me second guess my wooden paddle decision. But too late now. However, I was partially right. While it was still harder than I estimated it was not as hard as the Lexan paddle would have been. I got 10 or so swats on the lower part of my butt with some overlap on my sore sit spots. She then said I was done and to pull my pants up.
This all took less than 2 minutes. My butt was burning…not even close to how hard we have done but definitely got my attitude in the right direction. We did a quick hug and headed back upstairs. While getting ice I always inspect the damage to make sure nothing serious happened and I was shocked at how red I was. Anyway, got ice and sat down. We discussed that it did help me to relax and feel better…although I did include I thought it was more than needed…she agreed but she was very matter- of-fact…it is what it is.
I hope you all have a good week and next time I will try to discuss more on our specific punishments and the psychology behind them and the arsenal…I mean implement collection.
Since I now have a follower and @ax013 told me to keep going we shall continue.
WHAT WE SPANK FOR AND THE HISTORY BEHIND IT:
Before we were even married I disclosed in a very nervous manner my proclivity for spanking,, the first time I told anybody. This was while she was visiting on spring break (she was a middle school teacher and I think they enjoy spring break more than the students) after we spent the day at the beach and she was in a good mood. She took it well although neither one of us really understood. In hindsight it is like our marriage, you don’t really know what it is till you do it right and wrong for a while then you eventually find your place.
The first spanking she gave me was on our honeymoon. It was awful…but neither one of us knew that. At that time video on the internet was limited so I had only seen a view…and she had no frame of reference. No videos, movies, or personal experience on either end (we will talk about our childhoods some other time) …NOTHING. It was just a few swats with my belt while I was bent over the bed and then a few with me flat on the bed…which quickly turned into that other thing you do on your honeymoon you are no good at the first time (I would like to be high and mighty and say I was not sexually active prior to marriage for some good moral reasons…but that was only part of it. I was a math nerd and celibacy was not a choice most of the time).
Early in our marriage we spanked prior to sex for a special occasion here or there but we always had a tension between us on it. Basically, she did not feel comfortable with it but never said anything. The amount would go up and down and then after our first kid it went to almost nothing. Which then brought the subject to the forefront. Between this issue and some of my personal struggles (addictive behavior, PTSD behavior from my military days, etc.) I went off the rails for a season. While I always maintained a certain level of personal and social standard, internally I was grinding down fast. This led me to counseling and us then to marriage counseling. Which changed the whole conversation.
Fast forward a year of counseling and we came to an agreement we could try to start spanking again in a very controlled and deliberate manner. This we did for about a year where we would spank for my stress or for sex. We experimented a lot and gave each other feedback. I also built an almost sound proof room in our basement that looks like a normal office since we were up to three kids. Then about a year ago, at my request, we changed.
In 2017 we started doing punishment spankings. I requested it and we discussed for several months to help her understand (our communication was much better than earlier in our marriage) and we went through “Spanking and the Male Mind” (Link below). The book helped her. Additionally, I went through and discussed “This is me”, “This is not me”…and so on. It helped her to understand this is something more than just a passing phase…it was a need in some ways not a want.
WHAT WE PUNISH FOR (By Agreement):
Improper Sexual Behavior
Outburst of Anger
Improper Sexual Behavior: For health (addiction), personal and religious reasons I don’t want to masturbate, look at pornography, treat women inappropriately, and other items that can fall under that umbrella. This is not some FLR domination thing. I really wish to stop these behaviors after years of addiction (pornography and masturbation especially) that negatively affected me. As I mentioned in the last article it is not just spanking. It can be cold showers, waking early in the morning, and other things I will describe at another time. But this is an area of my life that has seen to most improvement and feel like I have my life back in many ways.
Lying: Early on in life I learned to be a good liar as a defensive mechanism from events in my childhood. I am REALLY good at it and have a mind that is an expert at covering my tracks. But obviously need to quit. This extends to all aspects of my life and I am expected to monitor and confess ever instance. This even includes the little lies…like telling a 3-year-old “we are out of chocolate” even though we are not. Obviously, my wife varies the punishment with the crime and most are not spanked for, but it does happen….
Outburst of Anger: Most of these ties back to the fact I have trouble regulating my emotions due to reactions related to my PTSD. However, I need to and have learned to manage it more once I submitted to my wife on having consequences for it. This always begins with a timeout. During the moment my wife just stops me and lets me know and it is an automatic 10-minute time out. She will then decide if further punishment is needed. But before we can do anything I have to calm down and be able to talk about it.
Generally, all these relate to events and habits I developed many years ago. Some dating back to 6 or 7 years old. The full detailed history can be for another post. Like last time I would have liked to give you something to read regarding the latest spanking. But I have not been spanked since then. However, I did tell a small lie that got me two days of cold showers and folding the laundry (which I normally help with anyway, but I rolled with it).
Next entry (unless you all fire me) will be more history and how we do “our process” – Confession, Discussion, Consequences/Punishment, Close Out.
Let me know if you all have questions.
Spanking and the Male Mind Link:
Never been one to blog but I figured to give it a go. You all let me know if it is good or not.
What I will attempt to do is explain how and what we do in our family, how we got here, and to let you all know how we are doing.
We have been married 12 years and had many of the ups and downs of most marriages. Somedays good...some days we have to work at it. We started spanking on a regular basis about two years ago and for punishment about a year ago at ly request. It is goal oriented around what we agree I need to work on. Generally, she does all the spanking...but occasionally she invites me to turn the tables as foreplay. However, to keep me honest not all punishments are spankings. She mixes in other things and stay tuned for a future post on that subject.
We have small kids. Which makes for interesting code words and schedules, but we can generally make it work. My wife is more educated than me but stays at home since we are fortunate that I have an executive level job that can pay the bills.
A FEW DETAILS:
So more details will be filled in later posts. For now I will let you know I have had spanking in my head for most of my life...we will over analyze that later. My wife is vanalia and over the years I have been a bad influence on her and getting some other colored swirls in the mix.
It took marriage counseling to get us here...real professional counseling. For those that care we are Catholic (raised various Christian Denominations ) and love this site for its lack of pornography...plenty of other places to find that. We are very open about our faith and is a major part of every discussion to check ourselves as we go.
For those that need to hear something specific I will leave with this story till next time. My last spanking was 3 days ago. It was for a very small lie I told my son to get him out of my room without getting into a fight because I was already frustrated. Normally, this would not be a spanking. It would get a smaller punishment. But earlier in the week I had lied about a different subject at work that was more significant and received a significant non-spanking punishment.
So she made the decision to do a 10 minute spanking with 5 implements. I got to start by laying on the bed with my pajamas on (we spank after the kids are asleep) while she used a lexan paddle, wood paddle, wood spoon, and something similar to a bath brush for 5 minutes. Now that I was good and sore she had me get on all fours and pulled down my pants to use the strap. During the strapping she let me know she considered lying to family more serious and to note that for the future. She then switched to the wood spoon and went for the upper thighs. She then finished with the lexan paddle (don't recommend this on all four on the bare...it REALLY hurts).
She held me for about 5 minutes afterwards. I then got ice and laid down.
NEXT TIME....How it all began.
I don't have time to post a lot right now but I like the new blog feature and someone has to go first so here I am!
I'm a happily married spanker in my late 40s, seeking someone I can spank on a regular basis for stress relief, fun, and friendship.
I live in Bellingham Washington (about 2 hours North of Seattle, with traffic), and prefer someone within a reasonable driving distance.
I'm fortunate enough to have had a few different spankees across my knee over the last few years, and while I have had multiple sessions with some, none have "stuck" the way I would like, and my dance card is currently wide open.
If you feel like you and I might make for a good spanko match, please message me. Likewise, if you are on the site and perhaps know of someone in the area, you can send them my way if you don't mind.
You can learn plenty about me here on Spanking Needs, I'm pretty active here.
I've also got an account set up on FetLife, user number is 979638, so feel free to connect with me there if that's easier for you.
Thanks for reading, and may you soon find what you Seek, and get exactly what you Deserve!