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My spouse wants to be spanked, but I don't want to do it


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#1 Sir Spanksalot

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 03:19 PM

Hey people. With my registered username, you might have an inability to take me seriously. However, this issue is a very serious topic to me, and I want to know some people's thoughts on it. At least I still have a sense of humor about things.

My wife wants me to spank her. I feel that this is abusive. She doesn't just simply want to be spanked- she wants me to physically spank her until she literally cries. I have a scrupulous conscience. If I step on an insect, I feel remorse for it. I don't like harming anything nor anyone. In my mind, the act of spanking my wife to the point of tears would be a sadistic act. I feel it would be abusive, and that is why I don't want to do it. I don't want to enjoy doing something of this nature. But my wife is very frustrated. She seems to think that I am borderline prudish. She is a little bit more adventuresome about sex than I am. As part of our love making, she wants to be spanked. But again, I feel it would be abusive. If I actually did spank her to the point of tears, it would be very difficult to forgive myself for harming her. Does that make sense? My wife thinks that it would be cathartic for me to spank her until she cries, and that her tears will cause the release of endorphins. I believe very strongly that if I were to spank my wife until the point of tears, that I would feel incredibly sad, remorseful, and confused. I don't want to hurt my wife. In her mind, I wouldn't be hurting her. In my mind, I would be hurting her. In hurting her, I would also be hurting myself.

I understand that I am biased against this sort of activity. Coming to a forum like this is risky, because most of the respondents are also going to be biased. It's likely that you may be biased in favor of spanking as an act of affection. Yes? Although I know that I will have to expect some degree of bias, I want to know what you all think. Please be objective, and see things from both my perspective, and my wife's perspective. I do not know exactly how my wife feels. I can only base my opinion on how she feels on my limited information. She tends to think that the act of spanking is an act of trust and intimacy. I see it as borderline abusive, and I see it as a Sado-Masochistic act. She thinks that it will nurture mutual trust, and she thinks that the spanking will give her physical and psychological pleasure. Perhaps she would feel pleasure, but I would feel pain, because once again, I would feel as though I am abusing my darling wife. Is there something wrong with me? Are my feelings somehow abnormal?

Can anyone relate to this situation? I have never spanked anyone before, so I have no experience in these issues. I want to be supportive and loving, but I also have boundaries. I want to support my wife's desires, but not to the point where I feel as though I am being a bad husband.

Please remain as objective as you possibly can, and be honest in your responses. Thank you so much.

By the way, we are a Christian couple, if that has any relevance.

#2 Guest_Krambot_*

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 03:49 PM

I'll throw my input in - this could easily turn into a major essay. I guess overall, I want to reassure you that there is nothing wrong with either you OR her. She has a need, and you have feelings that conflict with being able to meet her need. In the bigger picture, it's similar to overcoming apprehension about anything new or uncomfortable - it requires trust, communication, give-and-take, and risk. In your situation, it appears that you are the one most uncomfortable and having to "step outside your emotionally safe zone."

I think your situation is pretty common amongst couples, regardless of which wishes to be spanked. I think there's three dynamics going on here: your feelings, her feelings, and the feelings as a couple. She's made it pretty clear that she would like to try this. She would use this to foster mutual trust from her perspective, as she feels safe and trusts you enough to be willing to state, "I have a need to cry, and trust you enough to help me do it." For her, giving up control (and hence her emotions and feelings) to you makes her feel more attachment.

That doesn't make your feelings any less easier to deal with, but for her, it is something she sees that will help build more intimacy between you. I think one thing, reading into your diction, that your wife wants is for you to listen to her feelings about spanking. I perceived that the comments "I do not know exactly how my wife feels. I can only base my opinion on how she feels on my limited information" reflect a lack of emotional communication between the two of you, and I highly suspect that she needs and desires this, not only verbal communication, but also the complex communication that would occur were you to spank her. Perhaps if you were to discuss this more deeply, you would develop a more open perspective of how SHE sees the spanking as a way to build intimacy, while at the same time, beginning to lessen your feelings that it is abuse. Communication remains the key here. If she's never been spanked, then procedural issues like safewords and boundaries need to be discussed.

Is she willing to spend time with you doing things that you know she dislikes, but does so anyway because it makes you happy? Taking an active effort in looking at what she's asking for from her perspective, realizing that you are "giving of yourself to offer her the most intimate gift of all - yourself," might make spanking her a less bitter pill to swallow. Perhaps you can do some reading, or perhaps even view a spanking video which revolves around this theme, which might help you combat your discomfort. There are so many different reasons people are into spanking, but for your wife, it appears to be less about discipline, and almost entirely about her wanting an even stronger bond with you. Is this goal, her wanting to love you even more, worth you trying to overcome your fears and learn to spank her? That's a question only the two of you can ask.

She appears to trust you wholeheartedly. I wonder if part of you doesn't trust yourself to know that you can indeed show her love by offering her what she asks for - a spanking. If it doesn't work, both of you appear to be of the caliber to say, "Well, I thought that is what I wanted, but the reality is different," and continue moving forward. I suspect, however, that your wife will value you spanking her, as it's her way to feel that she is loved, and that she trusts you. I would encourage you to attempt to overcome your fears, and with the loving communication with your wife, work to offer her the experience that she wants. It's a win-win for you: if you spank her and she cries and processes like I read from your words, your relationship will be even stronger. If you spank her and it turns out not to be what she thought, then she knows that she can trust you and respect you even more.

Good luck on your journey.

#3 BadboyIN

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 03:50 PM

Sir, first of all no one can force you to do something that you do not want to do. Having said that, my suggestion is to at least try, since she is your wife and this is something that she really wants. You will find out a few things from at least trying. She will truly find out if this is really what she wants, and you will find out if you can really handle doing this. Some folks on here have spouses that weren't into spanking, but did it to please their spouse and ended up liking it more than they thought they would (my ex wife being an example). You may both find out that you cannot agree on this particular issue, and then maybe you could have a conversation about her getting discipline from a third party. If you at least try, you will probably answer a lot of your own questions and be able to go from there. Just my two cents, good luck to you both!

#4 Guest_Imperial_Pony_*

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 03:52 PM

I am going to give this a shot, so bear with me. I will also see if I can get my husband to respond since he feels maybe 75% the way that you do. Or, well, he used to, I can't tell anymore sometimes. This reply might be all over the place, but I'm gonna try my best!

Let me start by asking a quick question; how much do you feel is abusive? One smack? Five?

As for the tears, many people want to be spanked to the point that they cry. Crying is an emotional release, but they don't always happen during spankings. I have taken some real doozies that left me hollering into the nearest pillow, but there were never tears. I can barely cry in private, much less in front of anyone, even my husband of 13 years. Sometimes it isn't the pain of the spanking that makes one cry, it's the lecturing. A good lecture can work about as well as a spanking sometimes, depending on the person.

Everyone is different. Not everyone is wired to be a "spanko" nor do most of those people wish to change their mind about it. It doesn't make you a bad person at all. My husband is similar to you in that he can't understand the purpose, and I have trouble explaining it. He is worried about hurting me, but discipline spankings are something that I need in my life. I crave them. And spanking can nurture trust if both parties are receptive and willing. It takes a lot of trust to obey and let go, allowing someone else to have complete control over a situation and your bared bottom!

We have tried DD off and on for several years and it has been a very difficult road, I won't lie about that. There have been many fights over it. We are now in a place where (while he still doesn't fully "get it") I get maintenence spankings every week, which are discipline spankings if I have earned one. Last week I got a rather good hairbrushing and some cornertime. Yes, I can see you wincing in your chair! But he is doing it because he loves me and because he knows it helps me. That is not to imply that you don't love your wife because you won't spank her. Everyone has their personal limits and this lifestyle isn't for everyone.

That said...would you allow your wife to have a mentor? Mentors can be male or female and spank only for disciplinary purposes. There is no sex involved and you don't generally pay them. Perhaps that would work, although I know that many would consider a mentor "cheating." It is up to you, ultimately, to decide what you are and are not comfortable with.

How long have you been married?

I can truly understand your wife's frustration. Most of us here have had this spanking thing wired in us from a young age. I've known I was into spankng at age 4. But with marriage comes compromise. You two need to have a serious and very long heart-to-heart about this and your options. It sounds to me like a mentor might be your best bet if you are 100% sure that there is no way in you-know-where that you can spank her, even if it's erotic. But I do suggest at least trying the playful ones.

#5 Louise

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 04:03 PM

If she is really keen on being spanked, it is a pity she didn't bring it up before you were married. However, there are a lot of women who have this desire, and if you can accomodate her it will probably contribute to domestic harmony.

However, I think her demanding that you spank her until she cries is throwing you in at the deep end as it were. It might be better to start off with mild spankings, and see how you go from there. You might find that you get to enjoy it. My husband didn't have any interest in spanking before he met me, but once he got the idea that I liked it he came to enjoy it for the effect it had on me, and eventually he enjoyed it for his own sake too. You might find that you enjoy it if you give it a try, even if you don't want to give her very severe spankings. I think she should be willing to compromise.

As far as more severe spankings go, my husband doesn't have any trouble giving me those, especially if he is really annoyed with me about something. He is fairly ruthless when it comes to spanking me, which I like. But, although it was me who suggested that he could use spankings for discpline if he wanted to rather than just for 'fun', I would not have tried to pressure him into doing it if he didn't like the idea. I think there are some people who just can't cope with doing this.

But I do think you might try giving her just light, playful spankings and see how it goes from there. You might find you get more comfortable with it as time goes on.

Louise

#6 PET5

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 04:11 PM

I can also understand the feelings you have, sort of. It makes sense. However seeing as it is something she wants it can't qualify as abuse. If there is informed consent on any activity it isn't abuse. Perhaps you could try a safe word? That way she could stop you if she thought it was going too far. Consciences are difficult things to deal with in some cases. You wouldn't actually be harming her by doing this.

#7 word-weaver

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 05:04 PM

I've been through this same circumstance, but on your wife's side. My suggestion is that you go the erotic side first. Many here might disagree, but my observation is that the erotic eases a couple into discipline.

Again, as a Christian, the Bible says that the marriage bed is undefiled. As long as you are both willing, then there is nothing wrong with it erotically. If that works out, take it step further to the discipline side.

If you don't feel comfortable, even with that, then step away from it. Just know that if she has suggested this to you, she is having an unfulfilled need. That can lead to places you seriously don't want it to lead. Your wife needs something. Try to figure out what it is.
DINGO: Wicked wicked Zoot ... she is a bad person and she must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment ... you must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her. Come! ~ Monty Python and the Holy Grail

#8 DarkSteven

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 06:24 PM

I get the feeling that you're not against spanking per se, but against spanking her as hard as she wants.

If so, then spank her. Spank her as hard as you feel comfortable with, and no more. Period.

After a few spankings, you'll feel more comfortable and relaxed. At that point, you'll be able to step things up.

Forget about getting to where she wants all at once. Get there on your time and your schedule.
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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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#9 Guest_kimba_*

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 06:34 PM

Wait, what?

First, you should change your profile name.

Second, you should try to please your wife.

Third, why are you on this site if you are neither a spanker or spankee?

Fourth, if there's no gumption you may want to get her a mentor.

#10 Guest_Imperial_Pony_*

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 07:00 PM

Third, why are you on this site if you are neither a spanker or spankee?


They are obviously on this site to get others' perspective and advice on the matter. They are more than welcome to be here. How is he going to learn without asking for advice? Better that he came here than to some hardcore S/M site.

#11 flamingcheeks

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 09:04 PM

You said you are a Christian couple. Perhaps you could seek your pastor's counsel as to this.

#12 gluttonforpunishment

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Posted 18 June 2011 - 10:31 PM

Wait, what?

First, you should change your profile name.

Second, you should try to please your wife.

Third, why are you on this site if you are neither a spanker or spankee?

Fourth, if there's no gumption you may want to get her a mentor.


Kimba get out of my head!!!!!! LMDAO
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#13 PonyGirl

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 07:13 AM

This is a difficult situation, for both of you.

I can really see why you would not want to hurt your wife. It might be hard for you to wrap your head around how this is not hurting her but helping her. I agree with the taking it slow, that might help you. Build up to the point that you can spank her harder, if you ever able to.

I just responded to a previous topic on paying for spanking. This might be a situation where you would want to see if you could employ a professional spanker. They could be more detached in the situation and just give your wife what she wants. She may still really want you to bring her to the point of tears, but if you can't do that might help.

There is something about feeling that you need to just get spanked hard. I know that I love it when my boyfriend can give that to me. It makes me feel safe and loved afterwards. I know that sounds crazy doesn't it? It really does though. I know that him spanking me that hard he is saying to me, "I know what you need and I will give it to you." My boyfriend is a spanker though and has been doing it for long time.

You may want to try and pm some of the men on here who spank their wives. I am sure they could give you some better imput.

#14 Louise

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 07:21 AM

Wait, what?

First, you should change your profile name.

Second, you should try to please your wife.

Third, why are you on this site if you are neither a spanker or spankee?

Fourth, if there's no gumption you may want to get her a mentor.


I think that is rather unfair. He's here because he wants advice from people who are into spanking. He is trying to understand his wife's needs.

And he is trying to please his wife. But pleasing is a two-way thing in marriage, and nobody should feel forced to do something they genuinely find distasteful. I wouldn't want my husband doing something to me that he really hated doing, and that made him feel bad.

The fact that he dislikes the idea of spanking his wife doesn't mean that he has no gumption. And he doesn't necessarily want his wife getting what she desires from an outsider. And that may not be what she wants either. She probably desires the spankings to copme from her husband, not from someone else.

Louise

#15 Sir Spanksalot

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 09:50 PM

Hey everyone- thanks for your responses. Special thanks to Louise for coming to my defense.

Just FYI everyone, no, I am not gonna change my name. I like it.

I am a very strong person, and if I just barely touch my wife the wrong way, it actually hurts her. She is very sensitive to touch. Since you are all working on limited information, I cannot expect you to know me at all at this point. It appears that at least one of you likes to judge others out of utter ignorance. It's quite invigorating to see people making knee-jerk reactionary judgments predicated upon razor thin information.

As for those of you who elected to be polite and honest, thank you for your responses.

#16 Guest_Imperial_Pony_*

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Posted 19 June 2011 - 10:05 PM

Hey everyone- thanks for your responses. Special thanks to Louise for coming to my defense.

Just FYI everyone, no, I am not gonna change my name. I like it.

I am a very strong person, and if I just barely touch my wife the wrong way, it actually hurts her. She is very sensitive to touch. Since you are all working on limited information, I cannot expect you to know me at all at this point. It appears that at least one of you likes to judge others out of utter ignorance. It's quite invigorating to see people making knee-jerk reactionary judgments predicated upon razor thin information.

As for those of you who elected to be polite and honest, thank you for your responses.


I came to your defense as well, what was said to you by a couple of people was very rude. You have as much right to be here and ask questions as anyone else does.

Can you give an example of what you mean when you say that you can barely touch her and actually hurt her? Spanking might not be the safest thing for you to do, if I am reading this correctly.

#17 humblebutt

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 12:43 AM

Spanking is incredibly important to most people who are into spanking. Even if they've never been spanked in their life, spanking is still incredibly important. Many people who try spanking don't get it right the first time, which often causes a hesitant partner to decide that the other partner, who wanted it in the first place, was mistaken. Even after a less than stellar experience, the desire (and/or need, depending on the person) doesn't go away, but is often modified based on the experience.

Since you can use an implement (even a soft one at first), you won't suffer pain from giving a spanking to your wife. Your wife wants it but you're uncomfortable with it. Why not give it a try, but start slowly at first? There's no need to bring her to tears the first time. Furthermore, she may not realize that tears are rarely linked to severity. People respond differently to spanking. A 125 swat paddling which leaves monster bruises may be just what someone like Catharsis By Her hand needs, while 20 or 30 swats with the hand over clothes (perhaps with some expert scolding) can be enough to cause a truly remorseful person to cry.

I'm sure your wife would be thrilled if you would even give it a try a few times -- each time pushing the intensity up a bit, as you learn how she responds. You will see that the bottom is pretty resilient, and can likely take much more than you will ever dish out. She will learn just how much she needs, and will be able to tell you -- a lot of talking before during and after is a good thing, at least at first. You will both soon learn if it will work for you.

I think you'll find that your bond with her will be strengthened significantly if you at least give it a few patient tries. There are lots of articles about how to spank safely, reading a bunch of them will give you a little more knowledge and peace of mind that you won't be injuring her. It won't hurt you to spank her and it will please her more than you can imagine. Why not google around for something like "safe spanking techniques," read up a little, then talk with her about proceeding slowly. I promise you she will be forever grateful for doing so -- and you never know, you may find you enjoy having her over you knee, spanking her bare bottom until she has had enough -- word-weavers idea of starting on the erotic side and progressing to the discipline side is actually pretty good advice, as you are both likely pretty comfortable in that situation.

Remember, it's important to her in a way that she probably can't even fully articulate until after you've tried it a bit. She is super vulnerable and has bared a big part of her soul to you, so to speak. Whatever you do, I'm sure you will treat her desire/need extra tactfully, respectfully and seriously.

Good luck!

BTW FWIW -- I'm sure you realize that flamingcheeks idea that you should consider talking about this with your pastor is very bad advice. Anonymity is a good thing when it comes to talking about potentially embarrassing activities. You're in a good place to talk about this, as there are a lot of thoughtful, serious and caring people here. Bringing it up with people you don't know are cool about it will only cause you grief. Keep it between you, your wife, and people you can trust.

#18 word-weaver

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Posted 20 June 2011 - 08:14 AM

Furthermore, she may not realize that tears are rarely linked to severity.


Great point! I'd be more apt to cry from a stern, verbal chastisement, then from the actual physical act of spanking.
DINGO: Wicked wicked Zoot ... she is a bad person and she must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment ... you must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her. Come! ~ Monty Python and the Holy Grail




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