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Is spanking cheating?


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#1 subgrl82

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Posted 14 December 2010 - 10:07 PM

Once upon a time my husband and I had used substitute spankers. Twice we used females and the last time a male. The two females didn’t work out. They were friends and it was awkward. One was a fellow submissive personality “service bottoming” she would give the number of swats he determined and implement. The other was a female dom who really couldn’t spank worth a darn. After a few minutes she complained about her hand hurting and stopped. The guy was a big massive failure because he didn’t tell his girlfriend and she got really angry. He told us he had told her but we found out the hard way that he had not and the guy had expected sex after the spanking, even though we had very clearly said no sex or anything sexual. I guess he thought after a spanking I would change my mind or owe him. It made me angry and sad.

Ive got a lot going on in my life right now and Ive been all over the place. I KNOW a spanking would help but he isn’t here to give me one. We have very very limited communication and so I haven’t been able to broach the subject with him right now. I think I used that as an excuse to look for a spanker. This is something weve always been able to do before deployments, this time we didn’t have enough time to do that.

I had posted online looking for a substitute spanker… I originally thought I would talk to a few people, feel them out and then approach my husband and let him know about them. Then I thought its not fair to them. Then I thought I’d tell them how I felt and tell them I had to wait for my husband’s permission and feel them out about if they would respect that.

I had a couple different responses. I had followed up with a guy who seemed like a genuinely good guy. But something felt off. Talking with him on the phone behind my husband’s back seemed like a huge lie. I just couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t want my husband talking with another woman behind my back. It just felt wrong. He pushed to set up a spanking, kept telling me I needed it. After our first yahoo instant message conversation he would tell me that I needed a spanking for this or for that. He started telling me how he was going to spank me for x, y and z. It bothered me because I didn’t want anyone to make decisions over what I needed spanked for outside of my husband. I didn’t want anyone to have that form of control. I guess I wanted my husband in control but someone to act only in his stead. That’s hard and really impossible to find. He needs to be the one in control, deciding what and how much I get spanked for. Emotionally spankings are as important as physically to me.

I just felt conflicted… I wanted a spanking, but I NEEDED it from my husband. The guy I was talking to seemed all over the place. Hed disagree with me on something, Id push the topic and suddenly hed agree or cave, he really wanted to spank me. I could tell. He reminded me I didn’t give him my address… I don’t think it’s safe to meet someone for the first time in my house, male or female, dom or sub. It really bothered me that he never even suggested meeting somewhere else. Some of the things he would say wouldn’t line up. You know, follow your gut? This guy encouraged me not to tell my husband and it wasn’t until I told him I was uncomfortable with the idea of not telling him and that I was NOT ok with him spanking me that he did a 360 and decided I was right and it was wrong to hide it from my husband.

None of that mattered as much as the fact that I felt like I was lying by omission.

This deployment is different. Weve always had lots of communication before, been at a duty station for awhile and built up a good relationship with others with like lifestyles and it’s hard when you don’t have it around you, especially when you are used to that before. We have almost no communication. Before, he was able to keep TTWD going from afar. Sure the thought of the spanking was great. It was a need of mine before I started dating my husband and it’s a need now. But he gives up his needs and wants to go fight for his country so I can put one aside and wait for him.
Spanking is intimate to me. It’s as intimate as sex. It’s about trust. It’s about our relationship. Its non sexual but one of the most intimate things in our life. I couldn’t let someone touch me like that if I didn’t have his blessing and permission. I can go to play parties and the such he’s given his permission for that, but not for discipline spankings, something totally different.

With all that said, I decided without his express permission I would not seek out a discipline spanker or spanking. My marriage and the fact that we do have a great marriage is what is important to me. The open communication, the love, the devotion. I just couldn’t go behind his back for something like this. The fact that it even crossed my mind makes me absolutely ashamed. I am proud that even though I had someone willing and ready to spank me I stepped back and had enough respect for myself and my husband to say no. I think I will be ok just talking in group chats and going out to group events and just being around the lifestyle until he is home for R&R.
But that wasn’t all that bothered me…

Ive spent all day thinking about this. The guy who wanted to spank me spanks another lady. The fact that he couldn’t give me anyway to contact her or wasn’t even willing to give her my email address so she could contact me, was one of those things I was weary over. Anyway, so this woman is married. Her husband knows about her spanking fetish but wont spank her. He doesn’t think it is right. She knew GOING INTO the marriage that he wasn’t a spanker and she knows that he absolutely does not want her to be spanked by anyone else. Like me, the husband feels that spanking is intimate. He does not know that she is getting spanked by anyone else.

The guy who proposed spanking me is encouraging her to go behind his back. How so? By continuing to meet with her in secret, to spank her against his will, to help her lie to him. I thought and thought all day. What if I was the husband. What would I feel? Id feel betrayed. Id feel lied to. Id feel disgusted. She entered into the marriage knowing he wouldn’t incorporate this into their lives.

To me it’s in the same field as sex. In fact I know many married women who would rather have their husband have a drunk one night stand then have an emotional affair and fall in love with another woman. Spanking is a different type of intimacy but it is an intimacy never the less.

If my husband couldn’t meet ALL my needs there would be two options:

1. Not marry him, or divorce him if it was a need I discovered after we were married. If he really loved me and wanted the best for me he would find a way to meet my need or find a way to help it be fulfilled by someone else.
2. Put aside the need. Realize my marriage was more important, my love for him was more important, and then walk away from the “need.” In which case it wouldn’t be a need.

So here is my question… is it cheating/lying to go behind your spouses back and look somewhere else to get a need met? Especially a physical need like spanking, or am I over thinking this?

#2 DarkSteven

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Posted 14 December 2010 - 10:16 PM

You're overthinking it.

You and your husband have a marriage. It is bigger than either of you. Not only would you be an idiot to jeopardize your marriage, but anyone who would push you to put your marriage in that situation just so he could spank you is not the kind of person you should associate with.

In the D/s world, any Dom who would cut into an existing relationship to take advantage of a sub, would get his name blackened throughout the entire community. And rightly so.

It's going to be hard for you to find a spanker willing to take a back seat in the relationship. But it will be worth it.

And since your husband allows you to go to parties, will I meet you this Friday at Scarlet moons?

#3 Dawn

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Posted 14 December 2010 - 10:55 PM

I can see why you feel uncomfortable with it--if it feels like cheating/lying, it is. And the situation as you've described it would make me uncomfortable too. You'll feel a lot better if you don't do something your husband would disapprove of.

#4 NDGirl

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Posted 14 December 2010 - 11:04 PM

Some really great questions...

I think it depends on how you view spanking in your life. If it feels like cheating TO YOU, it is! Sounds like you really aren't interested in a singular relationship with anyone BUT your hubby...

Definitely stay away from that other guy - he sounds scary and the other one's a jerk. If you guys ever get transferred up in the ND direction - or know spanking men who are stationed way up here

...but meeting with DarkSteven on Friday...and parties...wow...lucky you!

Hope your DH makes it home safely and soon.

ND Girl :)

#5 Guest_PortlandMentor_*

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Posted 15 December 2010 - 01:12 AM

I just felt conflicted… I wanted a spanking, but I NEEDED it from my husband.

Spanking is intimate to me. It’s as intimate as sex. It’s about trust. It’s about our relationship. Its non sexual but one of the most intimate things in our life. I couldn’t let someone touch me like that if I didn’t have his blessing and permission. I can go to play parties and the such he’s given his permission for that, but not for discipline spankings, something totally different.

With all that said, I decided without his express permission I would not seek out a discipline spanker or spanking. My marriage and the fact that we do have a great marriage is what is important to me. The open communication, the love, the devotion. I just couldn’t go behind his back for something like this. The fact that it even crossed my mind makes me absolutely ashamed. I am proud that even though I had someone willing and ready to spank me I stepped back and had enough respect for myself and my husband to say no. I think I will be ok just talking in group chats and going out to group events and just being around the lifestyle until he is home for R&R.
But that wasn’t all that bothered me…

What if I was the husband. What would I feel? Id feel betrayed. Id feel lied to. Id feel disgusted. She entered into the marriage knowing he wouldn’t incorporate this into their lives.

To me it’s in the same field as sex. In fact I know many married women who would rather have their husband have a drunk one night stand then have an emotional affair and fall in love with another woman. Spanking is a different type of intimacy but it is an intimacy never the less.

So here is my question… is it cheating/lying to go behind your spouses back and look somewhere else to get a need met? Especially a physical need like spanking, or am I over thinking this?



Honestly, I think you just answered your own question (see bold print above). If spanking to you and your husband is treated as an intimate activity, then why risk the good memories you have so far and share that with a foreigner. You don't want to ruin something good like this because you caved into one of the sadist-desperados out there. Being prior military, I know exactly what you guys are going through. Deployments are emotionally excruciating on families, but you both were probably aware of this before you got married.

Either way, if your heart is telling you "NO" (which you've already said is the case), then stick to your intuitions and the concepts which make up your morality.

-PM

#6 TK-421

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Posted 15 December 2010 - 02:18 AM

subgrl82, I think your initial instincts and feelings about this issue are correct and I agree with what the others have said here. If you feel like this is cheating then moving forward with this may end up being a something you have great regrets about and no way to undo what's been done. For many people who believe in a monogamous relationship, if not all of them, cheating can come in many forms besides having sex with someone other than your significant other. It's one thing if both parties are fully aware of what the other one is doing and have given consent for their significant other to take part in whatever the activity may be. If that's the case then I say no harm, no foul. It's a different story altogether when one party isn't aware of what's happening and therefore could not have given their consent on the issue. I like the fact that you keep telling yourself that you wouldn't like him doing stuff with other women behind your back so it doesn't feel right for you to do it either. It's called your conscience and it's great that you have one. It means you're not a hypocrite, but instead you're a decent person who loves and respects the people in your life, especially one as important as your husband. Your conscience is what helps you honor your marriage commitments and it will only help make your marriage stronger when he comes home to you.

I also happen to be in the same boat as you about lying by omission. It may not be the same as outright lying by denying something took place, but there's a reason why it still feels wrong to you. This is your conscience trying to protect you from doing something you will regret. You often hear about people wishing they had listened to that little voice in their head but didn't and then regretted not listening to it. I think this conflict you're feeling was there to protect you from doing something you'd regret later. I can understand your desire/need for a spanking, but I think you already know that it just won't be the same, even if you have his consent, but especially if you don't have it. I think you're circumstances have taken their toll both physically and emotionally on you which has created even more a need to be spanked, but because of these very same circumstances you're not in the position to get the spanking that will truly make you feel better about things. Unfortunately for you these ironically cruel circumstances are leading to a bit of a tug-of-war between your need to be spanked and your desire to honor your marriage commitments. The longer you go without your spanking, the more it makes you need one. And the more you need one you end up missing your husband who gives them to you even more which increases the need yet again. It's a vicious cycle and I wish I could help end it for you. Unfortunately that won't happen until he comes home. I know it's much easier said than done, but I would encourage you to maintain communication with your husband when the circumstances allow for it and when that's not an option then you can lean on your friends who can be there for you in a healthy and constructive way.

Regarding this man you've been in contact with, I think you're right to be afraid of him. All of the things you mentioned about him like encouraging you to hide it from your husband, not giving you contact information for the other lady he's spanking for referral purposes and having her hide it from her husband are all huge red flags as far as I'm concerned. This guy has "his needs" written all over him. I believe that if you and your husband do come to a mutual agreement about allowing you to be spanked by another man, you can certainly find one more compassionate and able to meet your needs in a healthy and respectful manner that will actually benefit you rather than do damage to you and your marriage.

Ultimately only you can make this decision for yourself, but I think you already have the answers to your questions.

I wish you all the best and a safe return home for your husband, subgrl82.

TK :)

#7 LibbyAustin

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Posted 15 December 2010 - 08:18 AM

I can't say anything about how it works in a marriage, since I'm still very single. however, I am in submission to a Dom. We don't see each other often so He does allow me to play with others to fill my need. But I or the interested spanker must always have permission. If it is someone new that I have never played with before, he must talk with my Dom and gain His permission and agree to abide by whatever rules/guidelines my Dom lays out for the new guy. If the guy won't, then he doesn't get to play with me. Any new spanker needs to show respect and defer to my Dom as I am His. If they don't respect that, then it's their loss. Maybe this is just rambling, but this is the closest I am to what you are going through. :) Hope it helps some. Libby
Patience is a virtue.

#8 iluvyou1991

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Posted 15 December 2010 - 09:26 AM

I am (kind of) going through the same battle with myself. I am with a wonderful guy who I will call kind of vanilla because he doesnt spank but I dont have the guts to straight up ask him either. I have always been chatting online and looking for people in my area. I found a couple guys and they make me feel really comfortable and I proably would feel okay about meeting up with them. But I keep going back and fourth! I would have no emotional attachment with this man and would have no intention of having a "relationship" outside of spanking. But at the same time its the idea of the going behind the back and lieing by ommission. If he were to go behind my back and spank another women it would be grounds for dismissial forsure. So at this point I am considering it cheating. But like someone said above me, it is up to you and your relationship. Some may consider it cheating and some might not. I feel like it would break the trust we have, therefore it is cheating! Just my two sence.

#9 iluvyou1991

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Posted 15 December 2010 - 09:41 AM

one more thought that was in my head. I will try to explain it the best I can here... I was wondering if you were open to the idea of being spanked by a lady at this point? I know that is one thing that would make me feel a little more "okay" about the situation. Im thinking that if you were just looking for discipline but said "oh it has to be from a man" it would imply that you were looking for more than discipline? Does that make sense? I just brought it up because I feel like I could actually not feel guilty if I met with a lady for a spanking behind my boyfriends back because I would know and others would know (if they ever found out) that it was strictly for fufilllig my discpline needs, no sexual feelings involved.

#10 toocheekysgirl

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Posted 15 December 2010 - 02:21 PM

I don't think spanking qualifies as "adultery" per se, especially when nothing sexual is involved.

But I do think it is cheating if there is any lying or omission of facts, including "fudging" about one's relationship status. That means being honest about the marital status, or if not legally married, then honest about any ltr's, etc. Some think it's how they FEEL about the relationship that determines if they are honest or not in mentioning it. Rather, it's the EXISTENCE of the ltr, etc that requires its mention. Likewise the other direction, telling the spouse or ltr person of the new spankee. No matter how one feels or felt about the spankee.

#11 Guest_cedarshakes_*

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Posted 15 December 2010 - 04:51 PM

Hello!

To me, spanking is a very intimate thing, whether sex is involved or not. While I respect other people's decisions to be spanked by others, I personally cannot imagine getting disciplined by anyone but my boyfriend right now for this exact reason. Especially since this type of arrangement has not worked in the past, I understand why you are hesitant.

I totally understand where you're coming from, and I also know the frustration of not getting what you need. :(
Hang in there girl!
Cedar

#12 PET5

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Posted 15 December 2010 - 09:40 PM

"is it cheating/lying to go behind your spouses back and look somewhere else to get a need met?"

Whether its cheating is debatable, but it is lying. I wouldn't do it.

#13 AdventureSweet

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Posted 15 December 2010 - 10:27 PM

For me, cheating starts when the secrets start. If you cannot tell your partner what you are up to and how you are feeling about it, you might be headed for trouble.

At the same time, if you can be honest and open with your partner and your behaviors are not causing stress on your relationship, the sky can be the limit.

Just my opinion....

#14 ToddnSuzy

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Posted 16 December 2010 - 10:57 AM

My wife and I have a semi "open" relationship when it comes to spanking. I say semi because there are rules, the main two being... we have ZERO secrets and we both have total "veto" power. If I met and start talking with a spankee, Suzy knows about it and gets to know her too. If things progress towards a spanking happening, Suzy is 100% in the loop. At any time... even after a spanking relationship begins... Suzy can pull the plug on things if she feels something is off (which would happen if she felt our friend was being dishonest).

That dynamic has worked really well for us too. Any sort of secrets... anything even close to what you're talking about... would feel very much like cheating to us. Of course, we are both spankos and we live in the same house 24/7. Those are advantages that many don't have, so I wont judge the decisions others make. Just sharing how it works for us.

As for your question... what would you do if your mate couldn't meet your spanking needs... that's a tough one. We've seen spankos that have tried to "walk away" from spanking, and that rarely works out. They might get away with it for a few years, but the "need" does resurface. Might well go no further than thinking about it or reading/looking at internet sites, but it doesn't go away. So honestly don't know that's much of an option.

Going behind your spouses back is a tough one too. Do know spankos that do that, and do just fine with it. Doesn't seem like they have very strong marriages though (more like they're out of convenience, obligation or 'for the kids'). Those that do have good marriages struggled with the secrets and seem to end up with more guilt than it's worth. So that isn't much of an option either.

All that's left is either ending the relationship, or being totally open about "this is what I need and since you wont/cant offer it, I will pursue it elsewhere." If I were in that tough situation, I'd pick one of those options.

btw... you TOTALLY made the right call backing off from the pushy spanker. Way-way too many warning flags there. Just from the little you shared, it's obvious you dodged a nightmare with him.

~Todd

#15 flamingcheeks

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Posted 16 December 2010 - 03:25 PM

Yes it is cheating, just like anything else, if there is a knowing misrepresentation of facts so as to induce the reliance (and decisions, behavior) of another, simply put.

#16 subgrl82

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Posted 16 December 2010 - 07:38 PM

I have decided I will do what has worked in our marriage from day 1, no secrets, period. I told him about talking with this other guy. I actually found out way more about him and its really freaky! I am so glad I didnt meet him. Like I said in my post, unless I have express permission, I am going to table the idea of meeting someone for spanking.I can wait another three months until R&R and another four after that for him to be home. Thank you all for your input. Im still confused as to whether or not I consider it cheating, but wrong, yes.

#17 Guest_Aspenleafquaking_*

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Posted 16 December 2010 - 08:58 PM

Hi Subgrl82,
I think you have made a very honorable decision. Being open and honest and communicating everything with each other is what continues to build and maintain your commitment and love for each other. You and your husband are very lucky to have each other it sounds like a wonderful relationship. I want to also thank you both for the sacrafice you make so we can continue to be free.

Aspen

#18 flamingcheeks

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Posted 17 December 2010 - 12:23 PM

I agree...wise decision! :)

#19 DarkSteven

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Posted 17 December 2010 - 06:20 PM

Im still confused as to whether or not I consider it cheating, but wrong, yes.


Well, if you consider it wrong, you don't really need to worry about whether it's cheating or not. Just don't do it.




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