My Memories of one of the Discipline Sessions I had with my Mentor,Elder Ciel Souliere
"I move into a place wherein you become no more to me than any other Vampire," I had once confessed, wrapped up in his arms, half-draped upon me, and trembling more from the aftershock of those powerful emotions than from the spanking I had just received. "It is shattering, to find myself so alone and so far removed, so lost and far from all."
"It is an awful thing to feel," I went on, seemingly needing to talk about it. "I see myself pulling away, and I cannot seem to stop it. I become two people, the more angry, hurt Beast in control, pulling me back and away from you. But, then, when you are spanking me . . . then something else happens . . . I begin to find myself again, and I can feel again, and I . . . I --"
He took a seat on his bed and turned to me with his contemplative and quiet gaze. I knew exactly what he planned, and he knew that I knew as well. I wanted what he intended, and I did not want it. I did not want to want it.
And suddenly, looking at Elder Ciel, sitting there watching me, so ruggedly perfect, so familiar and comforting, I felt as if all breath left my body, and that anger and fear and staggering loss surged and grew until it exploded inside me and a massive shift rocked my entire being, ripping the pain from me and leaving behind nothing. A wall of solid stone slammed around that nothingness, closing off all connection to anything outside my calm inner core. And I fell into that core, drenched myself in it, and then stood quiet.
I vow, an actual physical change came over me when I did this. My stance hardened with each inward breath, my eyes dulled, my features held no life...
There was no more struggle. I stood unflinchingly under his regard. Elder Ciel could say what he wished, do as he wished. It meant little to me. I stared directly back at him, seeing not Ciel, but my commanding officer. I owed this man my attention, my respect and my allegiance, nothing beyond.
Once firmly established in that discipline, nothing he did could touch me. If grief resurfaced I would address it later, but for now I could return his level gaze, feeling no impulse to fidget, feeling nothing. I could stand as fixed and unmoving as the walls around us, indeed, fashion my essence to match theirs. I would agree to what Elder Ciel demanded. I would submit to what he imposed. It mattered not.
And so I stood and waited for him to speak, knowing that when he did, I would respond with all due respect.
"So, you resent Draven," He began.
I did not even flinch. "Aye."
"He is offensive."
"Is that all?"
"How much do you need, my Lord?"
~~ ‘My lord.’ Ah. Such distance. Such formality.... ~~
He shrugged. "Is he, say, more offensive than a Slayer?"
"His offenses differ."
He paused to consider me. "Differ how?"
He sighed. "Tell me how his offences differ from the Slayers."
I paused, then said, "I fear I cannot do so."
"They are personal dislikes, difficult to summarize."
"I see. And how do you suggest we resolve this?"
I remained impassive. "It is not for me to say, my Lord. I shall, however, obey your command."
"And if I command you to take your orders from Draven henceforth?"
"Then I shall do so."
There could be no more talking. I needed action. And so did he. It mattered little that his physical prowess surpassed mine. The physical responded to what the mind ordered, and at present my emotional strength was crippled. However, my anger and fear bolstered mine to an overwhelming level. So I would now fight him, but I would not win. I did not want to win.
His gaze fastened on mine and said. ""Enough talk then"
I raised my chin. "Elder Ciel --"
"Come here. Now."
"I shall not allow this."
"I cannot allow this."
"I know. Come here. Now."
He watched me remain rigid for another moment, then I slowly did as he commanded,and walked toward him. Every gesture was stiff, so removed was I from anything that resembled an honest feeling. I faced him again, impassive and cold.
"Do not do this, Elder Ciel. There is no need. And I have no wish to fight you."
"I doubt you shall, Fledgling, but thank you for your concern."
"But I told you that I would obey whatever commands you gave me."
"Very well." He shifted back and settled himself on his bed. "Then come here, lower your leggings, and lay yourself across my lap."
I did not move.
I remained still and wide-eyed.
"Now, Young Lady."
"Why, my Lord?" I finally asked. "You have always had a reason for giving me a spanking. So what have I done to deserve such treatment?"
"You began by listening in on a private conversation between Draven and I. You were then rude to him from the balcony. And then last night you insulted him with some quite vulgar Vampiric."
"What harm was done? He could not understand me. He was deaf on that side"
"But I could. The harm was in your unkind intent. And when conditions are favorable, I intend to treat your foul mouth to a proper cleansing. I have plenty of soap."
I paled visibly, a promising flash of emotion igniting in my Tri-eyes.
"You said last night that you would speak no more of what happened," I said. "I thought all was forgiven."
"I have reconsidered the matter. You are too important to me, Genesis. I do not want to appear remiss. Now come here."
I shook my head slowly. "I shall not --"
Of course I could not submit. I would have to be forced. I was begging to be forced.
One last time he said, "Come. Here."
I watched him rise and advance. It would have to come to this. I could not, would not submit. He would have to force me, and he was clearly quite ready to do so. A small fire ignited within my stomach,making it hard not to fall to my knees. It is a stirring thing when stalking prey. However,it is a different story when I am the prey.
I wished he had not chosen this course of action. But he was right, of course. I had just said that I would do whatever he commanded, so I should have removed myself from caring about what he did to me, willingly obeyed his orders and stretched myself over his lap.
Part of me had longed to do just that. And part of me knew it was impossible to allow it.
Elder Ciel's spankings were humbling, difficult to endure and distressingly long lasting, but they were always fair. I deserved every spanking he had ever given me, each spanking invited by my own actions.
But not this time. Aye, perhaps my temper had been surfacing too much, but I had been provoked! I had a right to my dislikes and I did not like this Vampire from Seatac! It was unfair of Ciel to spank me for that. If he thought I would or could submit myself to him for that reason, he was sadly mistaken. And as for him soaping out my mouth – oh! How I dreaded that act! Perhaps a little compliance now would stay that horrible fate, but compliance was unappealing as well.
But I had no more time to contemplate the fairness of anything, because Elder Ciel was upon me. He grabbed me by the forearm in an iron grip and began to drag me towards the bed. He did not get far. I braced my legs, gave a powerful yank, and he flew backwards landing on his bed. Kicking his leg out he caught me behind my heels and a second later I was on flat my back,on the floor. Then Ciel pounced and our struggle began, and I immediately remembered something.
When Elder Ciel and I fought over a threatened spanking he had always shown extraordinary strength and resolve, whereas I always faltered into some kind of bewildering deficiency. My muscles and limbs went weak, the way they had when I was suffering from Ferago. With my strength suddenly drained I found myself simply fighting to hold my own.
It was worrisome, perplexing and most inconvenient. And, while somehow losing such a battle was exasperating, the consequences were even more loathsome. I would be hauled over his knee and subjected to a particularly intense spanking. Defiance had its price.
This time was no different than all the others. I was trying. I did best Ciel in several maneuvers. But he bested me in more and while my lagging energy drained quickly, his seemed to gain strength. It was infuriating! It was unfair! And it inspired a bit of unfairness of my own. It made me fight dishonorably.
At one point, Elder Ciel had me down on my stomach, my arms twisted and held at the small of my back while he sat upon my behind. "Yield!" he said.
I spat out the hair in my mouth and sputtered, "Aye!" And the moment his weight left me I flipped over and sent him sprawling with a fierce kick to his ribs.
I scrambled to my feet, but I did not get far before he grabbed me and downed me again, his outrage increasing his strength even more. By now I was near spent, so unlike me, so frightening this weakness, this exhaustion, and so terribly advantageous for my Elder! And, of course, Ciel being Ciel knew that my will had finally collapsed. I was now defenseless against him, impossibly, ridiculously defenseless, just as it had happened before, every time I had challenged his authority and refused to comply. I had lost to my Elder.
Elder Ciel hauled me to the bed, turned me over his knee and had me secured within moments, with my leggings pulled down and my backside exposed, bent over his left thigh. His right leg closed over both of mine to stop any kicking. And finally, ever considerate of my comfort, Ciel lifted my upper body and settled me across the wide bed, that I might rest easy during my imminent bottom scalding. His message was clear: I was going to be here for a while. I shuddered.
"Very well," he said, straightening again. "Let us get on with this. And do not fuss, sweet Brat Bat. I shall take care of all your burdensome waywardness."
I still vow that a spanking I was being forced to accept was worse than one I submitted to gracefully. There was no slow build up. Not that Elder Ciel ever held much back from the start, but it was more intense when I had given him trouble. He began swatting down fast and hot, clearly determined to get my attention immediately. He did. I squeezed my eyes closed and bit my lips shut, refusing to cry out even though the stinging heat on my bottom built swiftly and terribly.
Elder Ciel spanked me as if driven by some force beyond himself. Yet he was still in control, as he always was. He never frightened me. He was simply intent on making his point. Aye, he was blistering my bottom, making me gulp and pant and release inadvertent, desperate little sounds, making me wriggle and try to squirm away, though I could barely move. But I was safe, and I shook my head at the absurdity of that.
Of course he said nothing, his usual pattern. Elder Ciel spanked silently at the outset. No distractions. He allowed me nothing to think about save my rapidly heating bottom.
And now Ciel’s spanking began to seem unending. It had been unending! I longed to kick or buck or wrench about. But all I could do was cringe and quiver and hold my breath, waiting for each stinging spank to fall, igniting my throbbing bottom. Finally,I screached. I again tried to wriggle away from his next searing spank, to no avail. Then I lost all control and reached back to cover my blazing backside with my hand.
Elder Ciel sighed, lifted his knee to raise my behind and began spanking the tender undercurve of my bottom.
"Genesis," he said, and it was enough.
"AHHHHHHHHH! S-Sorry! Sorrrrrrry!" I wailed, snatching my hand back. I dug my claws into the bedside and wondered what the Hells I had thought to achieve. And with a quiet ‘mmm’ Ciel went on, his spanks returning to my burning backside, hardly a blessing. He spanked on, and I screached on, and time held still.
But eventually I became aware that the solid wall I had formed around my core had crumbled. Elder Ciel and his steadily falling hand raining down blow after blow had forced me to accept this from him, forced me to accept that he decided what he would do to me, and when he would do it, and for how long, forcing me to take what he knew I needed, what he knew I wanted.
And I did want this, so badly. Elder Ciel’s attention was essential to me. It was always attention invited, needed, longed for, relished. Aye, it sometimes took the form of what he was doing to me right now. However,we don't always get what we want,in the form that we want it in...
I could not imagine any pain greater than losing the attention, the care, and the affection of one who had lavished such gifts upon me so freely, but the prospect of it had sent me into a downward spiral so profound that Ciel had needed to thrash me this intensely in order to help me see reason and rediscover the truth. And he would not stop until he felt me back with him in heart and spirit, ready to submit to him, ready to hear him.
I felt a wash of embarrassment amidst my wails. What had I been thinking? What had come over me? I screached louder and shook my head against the surge of hot feelings, my feelings of stupidity and shame for having dissapointed him, my feelings of anger at myself, and I writhed fitfully, as best I could manage under his hold, which was not much, my hair tangling across my face.
Ohhhh, I was more than ready to yield. Now, would Elder Ciel allow me to yield anytime in the near future?
Elder Ciel was ready to talk now, so he began quietly: "How is my Brat Bat?"
"Genesis. You can do better than that."
"I am sorrryyyyy! Oh, p-please, Elder Ciel! Please, p-please, stop!" I wailed.
"Aye, little one," He said softly. "Soon."
He swatted down hard, I arched and cried out. "Do you decide when this spanking ends, Young Lady?"
"N-Nooo! Y-You decide. Y-You dooo!"
"I thought as much."
"But, Elder Ciel," I gasped between repeated shreeks. "P-Please! I-I am sorry!"
"For what, Fledgling?" He asked, slowing his spanks. "What is this Fledgling sorry for?"
"S-Sorry for listening, and-and for b-being mean to D-Draven! I-I said bad th-things to him!"
"Naughty words, you mean?"
I buried my face in my crossed arms and nodded, clearly and completely embarrassed and, at last, completely surrendered.
"Naughty Vampiric words?"
More nodding. "Aye, Elder Ciel! N-Naughty Vampiric."
"Hmm." He slowed his spanking even more, nearly stopping now. "Well, perhaps it does not matter. After all, Draven did not hear you."
I raised my head, "Noooo! It-It matters! I-I should not have done th-that! And-And I-I am sorry! I was t-trying to be mean!"
"Perhaps it was your intent to hurt and insult that matters. Is that what you are trying to say, Fledgling?"
"Aye!" I wailed. "In-Inten-tent! M-Matters, Elder Ciel! It d-does!"
"Aye, Genesis," He said. "It does."
He rubbed my back,firm yet comforting. He let me lay there,limp and shaking,but completely safe over his knee.
I winced, my own guilty feelings growling within,"S-So sorry, Elder Ciel! So, stupid of me. I should have known b-better!"
"Shh, Fledgling," He murmured,pulling me up to look at him in the eyes. "I cannot allow you to speak of yourself so, and should I hear you call yourself stupid again, you shall go back over my knee."
"Weary. So very weary."